Wednesday The Fag Hag had her crystal ball examined the other day – no – that’s not a Chi Chi La La form of butt plug, I’m talking about a bit of good old fashioned palm action you degenerates. The lady who held my fate, and my tenner, in her hands was the legendary Madame Nita. So legendary she was positioned behind a coffee stained formica table missing a leg at a craft fair underneath a spidery sign saying, ‘Madame Nita – fortune teller to many both after and before they were famous’. I chose to over look the unusual stress on the ‘before rather than after they were famous’ bit and got settled in front of the terrifying looking Madame Nita.
‘Psychometry, tarot, crystals, palm – twenty. Or I can do you a special – palm and tarot for ten,’ she said sounding like a particularly bored sex worker. I opted for the tenner special – perhaps the hand relief of fortune telling. She began laying the cards out with wizened old smoker’s claws and then began working her magic, which consisted of reading out the names of the cards in a bored voice. ‘The Empress, the Knight of Cups, the Chariot’…
‘Hang on,’ interrupted the Fag Hag. ‘What do they mean?’ Madame Nita pursed her scarlet lips. ‘Empress means – strong, ruler, emperor type’, she muttered. Wow, thanks for that insight Nostradamus. ‘What about that card?’ I said, desperately pointing to another. ‘Oh, that’s a super card. That means good omens’. ‘There’s a skeleton with a dagger on the floor,’ I replied, losing patience.
Finally I decided to take matters into my own hands. ‘Look, what about relationships?’ I sighed. ‘Oh, yes. There’s a man abroad’. I’m sure there is but I don’t know him from a can of paint. She continued, ‘You go for very good looking men don’t you?’ ‘Not really, I fancy Henry VIII,’ I replied. She told me I should reconsider that as she saw a documentary the other night and apparently ‘he wasn’t a very nice man’.
Before long it was time to leave Madame Nita, her parting advice being that I should beware negative people trying to take advantage of me. Which is amazing. Because that very night I realised I’d been swindled out of a tenner by an old charlatan. Now that is psychic power.