The man with the biggest knob in pop is bisexual! Hooray! *bottle of sparkling Chardonnay is opened in celebration even though it’s only 9.30 in the morning*

Duncan James, one of the nicest, hottest, funnest, best-endowed men in popular music has revealed that as well as having an eye for the ladies, he doesn’t mind slurping on the furry straw every once in a while. To the general jubilation of the bisexual community.

‘I was living a secret life,’ says Mr. James, whose band mates refer to him as Nelly the Elephant for below-the-belt reasons. ‘I went through a process of asking what the fuck am I? Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bi? That’s why I was so frightened about talking. Now, in my early 30s, I know who I am and I’m proud of who I am. I don’t want to hide any more.’ *across the nation, gay men start wondering if they should get a haircut now that DJ is on the market*

He apparently first had a fling with a man - who was a mate of his - when Blue first started. ‘Up until that point, I’d never had those feelings towards a guy before. But this person came into my life and put a spanner in the works. I definitely loved him,’ he told the News of the World. Or maybe the dirty News of the Screws just read it on one of his text messages they’d hacked into.

‘There were tell-tale signs I was that way inclined,’ he goes on. ’I've always been theatrical and loved being on stage.’ Well, there you go then. You’re not bi, you’re a full-on bottom. Now bend over.