One-time weather girl, part-time mother, full-time trout and working-overtime homophobe Ulrika reckons she has the body of a 16-year-old. Police have been called and a fingertip search of whatever home she’s shagged her way into is being conducted as we speak. Oh, she means HER body?
Well, we’ll be the judge of that. For a start she has the face of Judith Chalmers, complete with dentures way too big for her wizened face and if you graft £11,000 of plastic surgery (just £11,000!) onto that it just looks, well, weird.
But while she was spending £6,000 on new breasts and god knows how much on who can say what else (those children have always been a real priority for Ulrika, haven’t they?) she entirely overlooked the most important procedure of all: having the evil dermabrased off of her.
*snaps rubber gloves on, puts on surgical mask more to conceal identity than for reasons of hygiene, and gives a quick blast on the dermabrasion ‘sander’ set to ‘extreme’* Erm, Ms. Jonsson. We are ready to perform your procedure now.