‘I’ve got the body of a 16-year-old,’ says the foul smell that is Ulrika. What? In a suitcase under the stairs?

Poor sucker

One-time weather girl, part-time mother, full-time trout and working-overtime homophobe Ulrika reckons she has the body of a 16-year-old. Police have been called and a fingertip search of whatever home she’s shagged her way into is being conducted as we speak. Oh, she means HER body?

Well, we’ll be the judge of that. For a start she has the face of Judith Chalmers, complete with dentures way too big for her wizened face and if you graft £11,000 of plastic surgery (just £11,000!) onto that it just looks, well, weird.

But while she was spending £6,000 on new breasts and god knows how much on who can say what else (those children have always been a real priority for Ulrika, haven’t they?) she entirely overlooked the most important procedure of all: having the evil dermabrased off of her.

*snaps rubber gloves on, puts on surgical mask more to conceal identity than for reasons of hygiene, and gives a quick blast on the dermabrasion ‘sander’ set to ‘extreme’* Erm, Ms. Jonsson. We are ready to perform your procedure now.

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4 comments to “‘I’ve got the body of a 16-year-old,’ says the foul smell that is Ulrika. What? In a suitcase under the stairs?”

  1. I’ll kick it off then. She’s a cunt.

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  2. The cunt of a 16 year old. Or a 61 year old.

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  3. Wonder if she had her cunt ‘de-baggied’ while she was getting herself done.

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  4. Body of a 16 year old, vag-jay-jay of a 60 year old and the brains ona 2 year old.

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