The Church’s retarded obsession with gays (so unlike our own forward-thinking obsession with the gays) is shown up even more as naked homophobia now that they’ve said they’re up for joint weddings and baptisms for those staunch Christians who’ve been shagging outside marriage.
So, while there are many very clear bits in the Bible about how you shouldn’t have sex before marriage (and how you shouldn’t divorce and how… you get the picture) and just one mad bit against the gays in between advice on eating prawn cocktails and buying polycotton sheets, that famous Christian forgiveness and that famous Christian cleverness about keeping up with the times when it suits them have been brought into play. You see, if you make every good-time girl in virginal white going up the aisle feel like a hypocrite, you soon lose your customer base. Every business knows that.
‘Patterns of relationship and marriage within society are presenting new opportunities for the church,’ said someone very high up in a flattering black frock. ‘We are therefore offering guidance on how thanksgiving for the gift of a child, or indeed baptism, might be incorporated within a marriage service so that the church can respond pastorally to our changing world if a priest feels it would be advisable to offer this option.’
‘Patterns of relationship’, ‘changing world’… hello! Over here!
Our advice then, gentle gay reader, is until the Church of England allows the gays to tie the knot ‘in the sight of God’ (can he only see some places then? Is it like Superman and if you put some lead in the way he can’t see through it?), you should boycott the church weddings of any straight person you know has had sex before the big day. Which would be any and every straight person.
Now, isn’t that a relief? No more grannies dancing with two-year-olds to ‘Rivers of Babylon’, no more oiky Best Man speeches, no more coked up bridesmaids. Or is that just the weddings we’ve been to recently?
Just say, ‘I’m sorry, my politics wouldn’t allow me to come.’ We might even design a card!