That’s the sound of everyone now knowing Leona Lewis has a single out and it’s very precious and when it comes out we must all buy it/ask a seven-year-old to download it for free off the interclit. Only seeing as they’re seven we’ll say interdolly, not clit. Though the kid’s gotta learn…!
Ooh here’s a quote:
‘Scyo (Simon Cowell’s thingy) are working alongside the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (snappy. Did they just make that up?), the British Phonographic Industry (please can we join! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!) the police (hubba-hubba!) and investigators (*theme tune to Murder She Wrote is heard in the distance*) in this and they are making fast progress.’
But is it a matter for the police?
And just FYI, Alexandra Burke – who, if you remember, won X Factory last year whilst simultaneously scaring the shit out of Beyoncé and irritating the fuck out of the British nation – also had her unfinished recordings nicked by some young scallywag with shiny skin and social inaptitude.