Like it isn’t bad enough that we have to veto Channel 4 because the rancid thing has taken over the tellywaves with his sibilance, lesbian hair and ‘fashion’ direct from Canal Street, Manchesterford circa 1993, are we now expected to avoid Her Majesty’s All Other Commercial Channels aussi?
For, tragedy of Renaissance tragedies, Cock Wan has stepped into the very flat, wide but hysterically funny shoes of Dawn French and is now a voiceover off-of a WH Smith ad – which is synonym (mmmm, cimmanom…) for ‘commercial’ – and, dear reader, we ain’t chuffed. We’re not even chafed.
There we were, idly watching Jeremy Kyle and pointing and laughing at the strange creatures from the north east of England when, without warning – that’s no warning at all – a ‘back to school’ message beamed at us straight from the pretty thing in the corner of the room (how retro) courtesy of WH Smith. Or Sssssssssssssssssmith, as it’s Cock Wan.
‘Get your stuff for your kids!’ it said, or something. One of which was a web cam, which led us to believe that children have now taken to internet sex in the classroom. Which, you must admit, is better than stabbing each other with a compass and applying strawberry lipsalve during tax payers’ time. And apparently you can’t get pregnant over the interwebs, though you can order an organic box from the West Country.
‘Sssssssssssssssssssss,’ the voiceover carried on. ‘Sssssssssssssss,’ it went again, with a too familiar patronising lilt.
‘My homo, it’s Gok Wan!’ shouted the person to our left.
‘Say it isn’t so, ‘mo,’ said the person to our right.
‘Kill it!’ said the person underneath.
And there endeth today’s tale of woe, sibilance, the country’s gone to the dogs-ness (featuring an actual dog! How wily of them…), and homosexuality. Though we say ‘homosexuality’ hyperthetically because, let’s face it, who would?