The News of the Screws – the pet name of The News of the World, a ‘family’ newspaper (though quite whose family the litany of kiss ‘n’ tell scrubbers is supposed to be appropriate for – unless it’s Fred West’s – is anybody’s guess) has revealed the ‘secret porn shame of Jord’s new lover’. Though, bearing in mind he’s actually filming the ‘sickening’ movie as we speak and this is presumably some sort of publicity for it, we’re not sure what the word ‘secret’ is doing in that sentence.
Apparently the film features ‘disgusting’ footage of ‘swearing’ (hooray! our favourite!), and a scene where Alex Reid (that’s his name, start writing Mrs. Alex Reid on all your exercise books), and we quote, ‘pulls down his jeans and his Calvin Klein underpants to expose himself fully for the cameras.’ Rivetting! Sounds exactly our kind of film entertainment. We can taste the Maltesers in the backs of our mouths just reading about it.
‘Alex didn’t have any qualms about being naked in front of everyone,’ said that source who gets everywhere – God knows when he gets his washing done! ‘It was all very aggressive and he was really throwing himself into the role, grunting furiously.’ Be still our beating trousers!
But with this whole Jordan/Peter thing, we have decided we’re actually ahead of the game when it comes to how the whole thing is going to pan out. With rumours of a Christmas ‘reunion’ single already being signed, we think Jordan will regain her Katie moniker with a good dose of non-fatal cancer (probably breast, but could be somewhere else) which will bring Peter running back into her arms. Cue the single/OK! magazine cover/Christmas number 8/another OK! magazine cover of them with the kids… happily ever after until everyone gets bored of them again.
In other News of the Screws breaking stories, Kerry Katona has declared, on the front page, ‘I will die young’. We’re consulting our briefs (no, not our underwear, lawyers in wigs and everything) to see if this can be held up in a court of law as an actual written contract.
Unfortunately, we fear the only sure thing is that she will die fat.
Well, we would certainly like to see him ashamed...,