What do Robert, Trans, Nuclear Power and Danyl Johnson all have in common? They’re all plants!

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So the X Factory is back, churning out its battery farmed, de-beaked creatures by the dozen. This year saw the auditions take a new live arena format a la Britain’s Got Talent – living proof that you can’t polish a turd. Which is definitely true, you can’t. Not even with Pledge Lemon wipe.

Can we clarify right now that the X Factor was simply on in t’background, care of house mate number a. We were too busy cooking food and sending dirty texts for all that nonsense, but what we did catch between the filth was the kind of bile that made us want to strangulate ourselves with our spaghetti right there and then.

The drama was intenserer, the tantrums cornier and the hair larger and more Romanian than ever before. Simon Cowell had his inevitable ‘This is the worst series ever’ tantrum – he gets fractious if his vagina hair is on its monthlies – before the ‘best audition ever’ walks through the door in the rather do-able form of Danyl Johnson. A teacher – bi of the sex by the by – who skipped out, wibbled his notes, pulled some squatty ‘I’m so into this’ movements, pointed at the audience, and then came across all coy and ‘Oh, this old thing’ when the judges spunked their praise in his pretty face. Yes, twas a plant if ever we saw one.

You can watch Danyl (which reminds us of Pterodactyl in a really tenuous way) in his panto performance over the jump, which we took from the X Factor’s official YouTube group – the comments upon which greatly amused us. We thought this was a family show! Toodleoo.
We think so too!

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8 comments to “What do Robert, Trans, Nuclear Power and Danyl Johnson all have in common? They’re all plants!”

  1. Danyl reminds me of Amyl. For reasons I can’t go into here. ITV made me sign a confidentiality agreement.

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  2. He looks a bit like Will Young

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  3. Choose a note – any note – and hold it.

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  4. He has that Myleene Klass not-quite-sure-if-he-is-Chinese-or-whatever thing about him.

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  5. I too saw X Factor(y) and loved the part where Simon Cowell said this was the best audition he had ever seen, and then the advert for next week’s show came on and he said one of those was the best audition he had ever seen. Erm..

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  6. I found the whole thing tawdry.

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  7. Danyl Johnson passing her very self off as bi? Honey, just because you once drunkenly made out with a drunken slag on a hen party when you were doing kareoke in Ku bar, doesn’t make you bi. I went to a Bartmitzvah once, so what, now I’m Jewish? Oy!

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  8. Danii looks great though doesn’t she? Whod’ve thought having less plastic surgery was a good thing

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