Really, what would Kanye West’s dead mother say?

Maybe we’re completely behind the times, but we’ve only just heard about these controversial ‘shag bands’ c/o the red tops off-of Officially Outraged By Everything. They’re wristbands which, if ripped off the wearer’s arm means the wearer has to perform a ‘sex act’ on the rippee. And excitingly, the bands come in a variety of different colours, indicating a variety of different sex acts. It’s like cruising all over again. For baby gays.

Naturally people and persons are outraged by their popularity in the school playground, but it’s basically kiss chase for the 21st century and anything that gets kiddiwinks running around and reduces the amount of future-fatties is a positive in our eyes.

Hope, skip and jump over the jump for the colour key. Now where can we get ours?

Yellow - hug
Pink - love bite
Orange/purple - kiss
Red - lap dance
Green/blue - oral
Clear - whatever the other person wants
Black - sex
White - flash

Ooh, ‘Clear’ it is then.