While the world is being scoured for dancers small enough not to make Kylie look the freakish primordial dwarf she is (various members of the Sylvanian Family are rubbing ice cubes on their nipples as we speak), Kylie herself has revealed that – just for a change – tonight, Matthew, she will be Madonna.
The set list for what looks set to be a gripping show (if your idea of gripping is having a dirty old lady with her face frozen harder than the ice caps wheeled out in a variety of outfits she knows nothing about) has been revealed and – what do you know – Kylie will be channelling Madonna. Not in the way that she might, you know, dance or have some charisma. No, Kyles will be relying on ‘singing’ versions of Our Glorious Leader’s ‘Burning Up’ and ‘Vogue’.
We can hardly wa……………………………………… Sorry, wait.