Joan Collins – pictured here relaxing at home enjoying a delicious Cinzano (with a cheap vodka chaser, by the looks of it) – thinks that British people are too damn scruffy and they need to sort it out. Even if they are on benefits.
And she feels so strongly (and has such a good agent) that she has done a TV show on the subject exclusively for ITV, where viewers most need the help and advice.
Imagine them sitting there in tracksuits with a bit of spagetti hoop down the front, extreme bobbling about the crotch, white underwear now a shade somewhere between Chewing Gum and Gunmetal Grey and some comedy slippers (maybe bunnies!) watching as Joanie swishes around holding fabrics up to her face while shop assistants sigh that while it’s good publicity, they’re never going to get all that white foundation off to make the items saleable again.
It’s called Joan Collins Does Glamour (To Death) and it’s on ITV tomorrow at nine of the pm.
Now, darling, would you pass us one of those chocolate covered croissants. We had them flown in specially from Paris and we feel like indulging ourselves today.