Do you like how we capitalised The Latest? That’s because It’s Very Important. And because he is/was/is a gay.
And do you like how we didn’t call Stephen Gately, Stephen Gayley? That’s because he’s dead and we’re showing respect.
So there we were, nursing a particularly nasty bout of hangover-ness when news spread across the intercom (we have one of those. We even have a concierge. Though most people call him Security Man and he’s in dire need of a little Joan Collins lovin’ and he also hasn’t smiled since 1972 and he seems to be there 24 hours of every day of every week of every year, including Bank Holidays and the eve when Santa comes to town. Which is just a worry and a trage) that Stephen Gately off-of the gay one in Boyzone, was dead. Kerput. No more. Nada. Not a sniff. Nuffink.
Well, you can imagine what went through our pretty little heads… Gays? On their holideees? On Majorca (we know)? After a night on the town? At a gay club? On Majorca (NB you say ‘on’ Majorca rather in ‘in’ Majorca ’cause it’s an island. Though the UK of Britain is also an island [well, lots of islands] yet we don’t say ‘on’ Britain. Snort that off a Kellogs Crunchy Nut and think about it…!)? After a night out? With gays? At a club? A gay one?
We thought, ‘We bet there’s an eight-hour binge and a “new friend” involved. Perhaps Buglarian. Perhaps not. Though for argument’s sake, let’s say Bulgarian. They take him back to their digs, for a threesome, say. We’d say a foursome but that would be rude. Stephen’s boyf and No. 3 toddle off to the boudoir (again, boudoir is so much more respectful than ‘bedroom’ or indeed ‘bed’) and are at it gay-stylee, whilst Stephen sticks to the sofa. Barfs, then chokes on his own froth.’
And our presumption didn’t fall far from the cherry tree, t’seems. Or, if you’re the Daily Cunt, he died because he’s gay. Remember kids, just say no. It’ll kill you in the end. Though it is a whole lot better than being straight for a living… who in their right mind would want to be one of those?
ps. Random but wholly relevant piece of ‘mofo… (that’s ‘info’ in gay). When we conducted a particularly genius interview with Dr Gillian McKeith off-of ‘show us your shite!’, she told us her ‘very good friend’ Stephen Gately never drinks or does drugs. Just thought we’d mention it. *waves*