The smell of fake tan and digestive biscuits blended at the Manchester Apollo (sponsored by someone but we’re not getting paid by them so they can stick it) last night when The Nolans staged their ‘comeback’ concert after 26 years of obscurity.
The inverted commas, btw, refer to the fact that surely you have to have been something to have a comeback and if someone can name a Nolans record apart from ‘I’m in the Mood for Dancing’ we’ll take our underpants off right now and put them in our mouths. Oh, we did it anyway. We put the idea in our own heads.
In stately attendance at the gig were the great and good of the Iceland set. Kerry Katona drinking from a plastic pint glass, Beverley ‘big slag Liz McDonald’ Callard, Coleen Nolan’s fellow Loose Lady Denise Welch and random women dressed 20 years too young for themselves, painted the exact shade of one of those digestive biscuits and with what Joan Collins refered to as ‘poker straight’ hair (‘never flattering on someone with a fuller face’ – say it, Joan: ‘Never flattering on a fatty’).
Half naked men (with muffin tops) were rolled out, songs were sung, bows taken, flowers sent, yawns stifled, watches peeped at and groans smothered as an encore indeed materialised…