You know he… that greige fella who does the telly sometimes (something with lots of gravitas whilst the rest of the world is watching Coronation Street or Heir Hunters or Golden Girls on a loop) and who also has a little show on Her Majesty’s BBC Radio the Second every day at around lunchtime (when the rest of the world is watching Loose Women). Yes he. That’s the one. No, next to him… Yes, that’s it.
In terms of comparative study, imagine a whole lot of other Jeremys – Kyle, Clarkson, Paxman, not Beadle ’cause he was actually quite nice even if he did have a dodgy hand – then forget what you were thinking. Jeremy Vine’s irritating but he’s no Jeremy Clarkson, the Patron Saint of Cunts…
So Jeremy Vine’s radio show – tagline: ‘talking to the people who make the news’ – is a sort of Voice of Middle England-type carry on. Only Middle England, then left a bit. Then take your second on the right, cross the traffic lights, and it’s right in front of you. Next to Snappy Snaps.
And today’s show? Oof. Our eyes, fingers, legs, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes were working 179 to the dozen flicking between those Loose Trouts and the wireless, but my oh us we’re glad we made the effort. How else would we have had the following rundown on the state of the nation…
12.32 till 12.48 – ‘Teenage girls are skipping meals to be thin’. Well at least someone is…
1.04 till 1.11 – ’62-year-old gay man dies after horrific homophobic attack in Trafalgar Square, during which two girls stamped the victim in the head, repeatedly’.
1.27 till 1.47 – ‘What’s happened to your old Woolworth’s store?’ Some lucky bastard in the home counties now has a Wicks!
Then Steve ‘Love the show!’ Wright came on *sound of loading gun is heard in the distance*
But aah, homophobic murders… so cosy. Any other hate killing and it would’ve been front page splashes on all the nationals, headline news on all TV channels, a mass protest in the capital and a sports centre built in honour of the victim. Gay person gets killed? Five minutes on Jeremy Vine and half a pound of Midget Gems if you’re lucky.
State of the nation, people, state of the nation… *fades out*