This lady with the poodle perm, sunnies courtesy of ‘Sunglass? Ten Euro? Back rub?’ man down Mykonos and piece of old wool from a town called Kabbalah, is Jesus off-of Madonna.
If reports are to be believed – and what evidence do we have to doubt them? – Madonna has given Jesus off-of Madonna a monthly allowance of $10,000. To cover, and we quote, ‘his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments.’
a) ‘Including his cell phone’?! Madonna really should pop down Carphone Warehouse. They have some marvelous deals. All-you-can-call for £14.99? Yes please, sir.
b) ‘Insurance’?! Kumquat? Again, we hate to patronise, but Comparethemarket.com anyone?
c) ‘Credit card payments’? Why doesn’t he just pay cash? Is he trying to get his credit rating up? ‘Tis a worrying time, mind, and the average first time buyer does need a salary of £93,000 to get a mortgage, if the Evening Standard is to be believed… and it is free, so why wouldn’t we believe it?
d) $10,000 a month? Sometimes we get bummed for free! Just think about that for a moment, will you, Madonna…
*takes half-sucked TicTac out of mouth; offers it to Jesus*