Turns out Jesus is a notorious cottager. Here he is at the bogs at IKEA

Is that a pistol in your flowing robes are you just pleased to see us?

Jesus is everywhere. And not just pretty places. Some eagle-eyed toilet-goer spotted this manifestation as they went in for a jimmy riddle (piddle) at the Braehead IKEA at the weekend.

‘I was just having a wazz,’ said the toilet-goer, ‘when I felt someone watching my cock. I looked over my shoulder and there he was: Jesus. Yeah, Christ Our Lord. Watching me piss one out. Fucking disgusting I thought it was.’ We made that bit up obviously, just to add colour to a rather retarded story.

The toilet has now become the focus of pilgrims across whichever part of the country Braehead is in, with reports that blind men are now seeing (and peeing) and the crippled can now walk. Which is great, right?

You can’t help but wonder why God would make someone blind if He (capital ‘H’ for the Lord, thankyouverymuch) was going to restore sight to him in a cheap stunt involving a toilet door or a burning bush or whatever. Seems a bit like playing with people’s lives to us but we suppose all’s well that ends well.

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One comment to “Turns out Jesus is a notorious cottager. Here he is at the bogs at IKEA”

  1. Jesus has very queeny lips.

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