It only seems like yesterday when Kevin Federline off-of K-Fed was channeling Paul Mason off-of ‘four large cods, two pies, four battered sausages, six large chips, mushy peas (just the one?) and curry sauce – and that’s just lunch!’ (Sidebar: Mmmmm, deeee and lish!), and children had respect for their elders, the little shit-heads.
And looking back – wistfully, perhaps, a tear down one side – we see it really was only yesterday. Or early September, so yesterday times 40-ish. So in relative terms – when you compare it to the lifetime of, say, time – it really was very recent indeed.
So where’d it all go? *looks down toilet* Could it be that Special K-Fed partook of that well-known yet much maligned diet of poppers and maple syrup? (Metabolism? You’ll be bouncing off the walls!) Or has white merely taken over black as the slimming colour of choice for the larger lady? Either and/or or (or?)… we’re impressed.
So Kevin Federline is not only what is known down ‘Stich ‘n’ Bitch’ as a yo-yo dieter, but he’s also material for Slimmers World for the next 17 issues. We can see the before and afters as we stich and bitch: to the left a bloated, unhappy K-Fed, without a scrap of make-up or dignity (same thing); to the right a slim K-Fed, naturally glowing, his Target elastic-waisted trackie bottoms pulled away from his waist, a Kylie Minogue lodged in-between to indicate the dramatic weight loss and inject a bit of interest amongst the primordial dwarf community, with the headline, ‘I’ve finally found happiness. And cock.’
It’s a happy tale, one to tell the kids, one to write down for posterity, one to save for dinner parties, one to put on the National Curriculum, one to turn into quite some anecdote.
We’re writing it on a loo wall as we speak.
K-Fed: 'I love my new old curves!',