Andre Agassi took Crystal Meth! Would that explain the hair?

What would Brooke Shields say?

Crystal – not to be confused with Mrs. Carrington off-of Dynasty – is a cheap and nasty drug, so cheap that even Whitney Houston wouldn’t take it. Or maybe she would. Who can say?

But whether the Artist Formerly Known as Lesbian Crack Addict Whitney Houston took dirty Xtina or not, we now know for a fact that Andre Agassi off-of hitting a ball about – a man way too hairy for his own good. And his own underwear – did. And then lied about it to drug testers, saying that he’d accidentally taken a sip of his personal assistant’s meth-laced pina colada (wonder why they didn’t query the fact a major sports star hung out with – and employed! – a PA on Crystal Meth!). He had in fact snorted it right up his nose. But, like, right up. 

‘There is a moment of regret, followed by vast sadness,’ says AA (not to be confused with the man behind Winnie the Pooh) in a new book which will earn him cash dollar, ‘then comes a tidal wave of euphoria that sweeps away every negative thought in my head. I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful – and I’ve never felt such energy. I’m seized by a desperate desire to clean. I go tearing around my house, cleaning it from top to bottom. I dust the furniture. I scour the tub. I make the beds…’ You have unmade beds in your home? Spending too much on drug-raddled PAs and not enough on cha-chas, wethinks.

Besides, it seems like a total waste of a drug to us. Why would you not bend the PA over the sofa and roger him till bleeding occurred (we’ve read up on Crystal, we know what goes on)? Mind you, there is a lot to be said for a spotless bathroom.


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One comment to “Andre Agassi took Crystal Meth! Would that explain the hair?”

  1. Do you really think he just went on a cleaning binge? Do you not think he wanked himself ragged? With or without PA’s assistance?

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