Nicole ‘I love to dance’ Kidman has vowed to take the secret that Tom Cruise is a vile, self-loathing gay to the grave with her. Does that mean the Scientologists have threatened to kill her, do you think?


Reptilian actress Nicole Kidman, pictured here wearing a three-metre prosthetic arm, has said that she will never talk of Tom Cruise’s vileness. Never, you hear! Not ever!

Not the fact that he used to get her to turn over and pretend she was a boy when he fucked her. Not that he made her dress up in men’s clothes and call him daddy. Not that he made her poke a life-like dildo through a hole in their toilet wall so he could live out his glory hole fantasies. None of this (entirely made up by us) will be reavealed but will go with Nicole to her grave.

What she will unfortunately reveal, however, is that she has ‘explored strange fetish stuff’. ‘Cause we wanted to hear that, right, so we can have the image of a woman with see-through skin and a ball gag in her mouth.

We will shower, but we will never feel clean again.

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