Following last night’s bus journey during which a surprisingly sober Australian (we know!) groaned, ‘Why would anyone want to live in Europe? It’s a shit hole’ to which a squashed, poorly and angry MeMeMe said, ‘Well, why don’t you fuck off home then!’ before hurriedly jumping off at the next stop which was handily outside Threshers, we thought we’d note down in list form why people from Down Under might perhaps want to either start enjoy living here or toddle off back to the land of crims and barbies.
1. Flip-flops/thongs. Honey, a thong is something shaved Germans wear on the beach, they aren’t sandle-ettes worn across seasons, come rain or snow. And if you insist upon wearing them, please see to the claws you call toenails. *starts work on new musical number ‘We’re off to see the chiropodist, the wonderful chiropodist of Oz*
b. Walkabout. This one time in
band camp Kensington Roof Gardens we got into a scuffle with a nasty woman of Australian-kind berating ‘boring Brits’ so we asked if she was lost and pointed her in the direction of the Walkabout down the road in Shepherd’s Bush. Needless to say, she hoofed it.
Trios. Incessant whittling. Bizarrely we are known as ‘whinging poms’ when we have never ever had a bus journey between Earls Court and Acton that didn’t include some form of Australian moaning on about either the British weather or the British people or the British transport system.
4. Criminals. Once an Australian jumped through the tube ticket barrier behind us. If he’d been of an attractive nature he would’ve been more than welcome to rub up against us while cheating the system. Turns out he wasn’t, so we tutted and glared.
Five. Rupert Murdoch, Kylie Minogue, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Neighbours, Men at Work, shrimps on barbies, Home and Away, Crocodile Dundee, Fosters, questioning intonation, Waltzing Matilda, Sons and Daughters, Mel Gibson, the pluralisation of you to yous.
And c. and d.