Five reasons why Australians should pack up their thongs and jog on

Urgh

Following last night’s bus journey during which a surprisingly sober Australian (we know!) groaned, ‘Why would anyone want to live in Europe? It’s a shit hole’ to which a squashed, poorly and angry MeMeMe said, ‘Well, why don’t you fuck off home then!’ before hurriedly jumping off at the next stop which was handily outside Threshers, we thought we’d note down in list form why people from Down Under might perhaps want to either start enjoy living here or toddle off back to the land of crims and barbies.

1. Flip-flops/thongs. Honey, a thong is something shaved Germans wear on the beach, they aren’t sandle-ettes worn across seasons, come rain or snow. And if you insist upon wearing them, please see to the claws you call toenails. *starts work on new musical number ‘We’re off to see the chiropodist, the wonderful chiropodist of Oz*

b. Walkabout. This one time in band camp Kensington Roof Gardens we got into a scuffle with a nasty woman of Australian-kind berating ‘boring Brits’ so we asked if she was lost and pointed her in the direction of the Walkabout down the road in Shepherd’s Bush. Needless to say, she hoofed it.

Trios.  Incessant whittling. Bizarrely we are known as ‘whinging poms’ when we have never ever had a bus journey between Earls Court and Acton that didn’t include some form of Australian moaning on about either the British weather or the British people or the British transport system.

4. Criminals. Once an Australian jumped through the tube ticket barrier behind us. If he’d been of an attractive nature he would’ve been more than welcome to rub up against us while cheating the system. Turns out he wasn’t, so we tutted and glared.

Five. Rupert Murdoch, Kylie Minogue, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Neighbours, Men at Work, shrimps on barbies, Home and Away, Crocodile Dundee, Fosters, questioning intonation, Waltzing Matilda, Sons and Daughters, Mel Gibson, the pluralisation of you to yous.

And c. and d.

The end.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

More dolly #content:

8 comments to “Five reasons why Australians should pack up their thongs and jog on”

  1. Here here! (With a rising intonation.)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  2. Any Australian with half a brain gets the fuck out of that country before they’re knee high to a kangaroo. Or a koala. Or a wallaby. Or an aborigine.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  3. And I love how that cunt Rupert Murdoch tries to run this country. Fuck off, you evil little troll.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  4. I had my Aussie relatives over here for a holiday this summer… took them to beautiful country houses, round the sights of London, to cute little pubs in the country; we took in shows, went to some of the best restaurants in the world; we shopped, we quaffed, we went to castles, museums, grassy knolls…
    After all of this all they could think to say was, ‘Where’d that Swiss clock in Leicester Square go? I loved that!’
    :-(

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  5. You missed off number 6 – “The Church” – I haven’t witnessed the full horror in person but I have seen the aftermath and it was like Gallipoli but without Mel Gibson.
    Oh and Threshers, j’adore, especially now you’re one big closing down Dale Winton’s Supermarket Sweep bargain bucket. Viva las credit crunch.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  6. i agree with all of the above. on the other hand i have done the dirty deed with several ozzie mens and they have all had a certain horselike quality that i admire very much indeed. perhaps i’ve just been lucky. right dirt buggers they was too.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  7. I dated an Australian. Many, in fact. If you ask them not to talk, you can pretend they’re something else.
    Oh, only kidding, peeps. Some of my best friends are Australian. Can’t move in London without scooping up a whole load, right?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  8. I’m being bummed by an Aussie as we speak.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Leave a comment