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Arise, Sir Patrick Stewart! Mind as you go…

Spot of bother, Sir?

It’s as British as bumming and as thrilling as an episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me (note to Sherrie Hewson. Drop the baby-girl act. Ridiculous woman) – tiswas the New Year’s Honours List, The Queen’s very own tickle under the chin for those of us lucky enough to have done well in, you know, stuff.

For those in climes not accustomed to such goings on, The Queen – or Prince Charles, mostly. Queenie’s got bowling to play on her Wii – has successful ladies, gentlemen and quite often the undecided, round to her gaff on The Mall (Mall is in ‘pal’, not Mall as in ‘ball’. It’s a regal thoroughfare not Westfield) and gives them anything ranging from an MBE (Member of the British Empire) to a real life knighthood slash damehood (examples are Dames Shirley, Judi and Maggie; Sirs Elton, Isaac and that bloke down The Hoist) for services to *fill blank* – via some fancy arm-work with a really old sword.

It’s all very Sir Walter Raleigh as played by Clive Owen (on bended knee? We should white-wee coco!). Only these days you don’t have to be schtupping royalty or indeed have something over them to get a gong – you just have to be outstanding in your field. Even if that field is an actual field. With sheep. There was a lovely chap last year who got one of the lesser ones for services to being a shepherd on a very chilly island in Scotland. It was a touching moment.

Do you catch our snow drift?

So what it all boils down to is Patrick Stewart off-of bald in a hot older man way, has been given a knighthood. Which thus thusly and therefore as a result, makes him Sir Patrick Stewart. Betty’s a big fan, apparently. Well, she does like a smooth work surface.

Other lucky chaps and chapettes and in-betweeners this year include Jenson Button off-of driving, who gets the MBE – not to be confused with MDMA, though we’d quite like to see that. You’ll think the sabre is your best friend in the world and start regaling Her Maj with really great business ideas that will just, like, be amazing. 

‘To be recognised by Her Majesty The Queen and the British people is a tremendous honour for me,’ said Jenson ‘n’ Hedges Button Moon.

We take our pants off to you, sir.

Speaking of which…

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So, what do you do if you’re in the middle of a top league football match and you need to go sissy?

Dirty boy

Such was the dilemma faced by Aukland goalkeeper (that’s the man who keeps the ball out of the net) Paul Gothard. There he was, tending goal like a good’un, and realising that he hadn’t done what his mamma probably told him he should always do before he left the house, namely had a wet wee. Not a white one. A wet one (though we wouldn’t mind seeing him have a white one).

What he does in that situation is… he gets down on his knees (liking it already, aren’t you?) and, well, wet wees. Through his shorts. There must be a specialist website for this sort of thing. Not to mention a clubnight.

Anyways, should you get it into your sick, depraved but not entirely un-pretty head that you would enjoy the spectacle of an embarrassed athlete forced to wet wee himself in his shorts, you have but to jump the jump and watch it all in living colour. Mainly yellow… (more…)

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Gay porn star, Francois Sagat, talk us through this one…

The hair's all wrong

We totally don’t get it either.

Francois Sagat, French porn star off-of bumming men in front of a camera, has posted these pics of him very self in what can only be described as a whorey Britney outfit (like there’s any other kind of Britney outfit, right?) on what can only be described as his website.

For why, we have no realistic idea. See more from the compelling series here.

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Lesbians are taking over the world! Hooray!

Ladies who munch

You wouldn’t know it, what with their obvious use of hair-care products and facial maquillage, but these ladies are lezzes! Hooray!

Yes, Alison Goldfrapp, who once told us about her porn stash (now we’re wondering what kind of stash that was) has revealed – or ‘confessed’ as the Daily Cunt might put it – that she’s doing it genital style with a lady who edited Sam Taylor-Wood’s Nowhere Boy movie. 

For real. Wonder if they do it with the animal masks on. Probably not. Would be scratchy.

Not only but also… that nice lady off-of the BBC’s news show – Jane Hill – she of the nice cleavage and nicely brushed hair, has also revealed that she is shacked up with what the ‘Cunt’ calls a cameraman (only, obviously, this being a lesbian story, is a woman, so, a camerawoman. Or cameragirl if the word ‘woman’ is problematic).

So, it’s official, the next decade is going to see all women turn lesbian. And we salute them. Leaves more mens for us.

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Honey, have you been working out? Part Deux

Not so owcha, no so magowcha

Answer, no.

It’s just Gary ‘we totally would even if he is on the old side’ Lineker in a new ad for Walkers Baked crisps (never as good: you need that frying), that will feature lots of nudity. Just not Gary’s.

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Honey, have you been working out?

Owcha Magowcha

OK, so it’s been many a long year since he did his business in Billy Elliot but this is not a bad body for a 22-year-old (maybe it was the prospect of starring opposite Channing Tatum that led Jamie Bell – for ’tis he – to his local LA Fitness).

The film is The Eagle of the Ninth and buff Jamie plays a Celtic slave (and we do love our Celtic slaves). And how handy that Celtic slaves were down with the whole low-slung hipster look over 800 years ahead of the fashion going mainstream, otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to perve over those waist muscle things.

What are those wasist muscle things called, by the way? Answers on a Holly Hobbie notelet. Or in the comments bit below.

In a sort of related but sort of unrelated incident, we found out on this morning’s GMTV that when John Partridge, the gay who plays the gay in EastEnders (it’s all going down tomorrow with the Muslim boyfriend, by the way), was at ballet school, the boy who Billy Elliot was based on was his mentor. Strange but truthful.

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*sings* ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen… Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men… bumming.’

You're not getting your tea till you wash those mucky hands.

First of all: Careful love, you’ll have someone’s eye out.

Second of all: This is the poster for the new Robin Hood moving picture, hitting the pictures of Grand Britain on 14th May, 2010. A year which already has a ring to it so there’s bound to be bumming.

Trois: Ridley Scott’s directed, so expect lots and lots and lots of lots.

4) Russell Crowe off-of mood swings is Robin, Cate Blanchett off-of cheek bones is Maid Marion.

Radical idea: British actors.

In conclusion, it looks kinda fun and we thank the Baby G for small mercies most notably it isn’t Kevin ‘personality bypass’ Costner. Oh, and there’s a line in the film – and trailer, over The Jump (TM) – that goes thusly: ‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man.’

*looks at crotch*

Off you trot… (more…)

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What the Daily Cunt doesn’t get when it runs features like this

Nice Not quite so nice

You get where it comes from. Dave on the production desk over at the Daily Cunt sends in an idea to conference (conference is the meeting they have at the beginning of the day at newspapers to decide what’s going in the paper: the sports desk reads out a list of fixtures while the news desk tries to pass the lamest of stories past the editor by going ‘And here’s a bit of fun…’ And, thanks to Dave, here’s today’s ‘bit of fun’)

But what Dave and The Cunt in general don’t get when they run these features about ‘How will Madonna look at the end of the decade?’ (because this is the beginning of a new decade so it all seems nice and topical) is that Madonna will look exactly how she wants to look. As we have already seen, with the help of cosmetic sculptors and the very latest advances in botulism, Madonna will never have a wrinkle she doesn’t want.

On a related note (related to the feature in question that is), Posh will never be pale, Angelina will never be puffy and Britney will never be of any interest to anyone at all, no matter what she does.

But thanks anyway, Dave.

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