Breaking news: gays, you’re not welcome in heaven. Not the nightclub, the after-life experience. So, off you go! Take your bags and hop it.

Gay? Sorry, you don't seem to be on my list

Dear gays,

If you were hoping for an afterlife spent in heaven because you have been a nice person, then you can think again. According to someone very high up in a dress in the Catholic church, there ain’t no way Jose. So you can unpack your Speedos, cancel your ticket. You ain’t going, no way, no how. Not while this god is in charge, anyhoo.

The word from on high comes via a special envoy of the litte baby Jesus, one Javier Lozano Barragan. ‘People are not born homosexual, they become homosexual, for different reasons,’ says Mr. B, obviously an expert on the subject. ‘Maybe education issues or because they did not develop their own identity during adolescence.’ Honey, the gays we know, there’s no shortage of identity. Wahaaaaay too much in many cases.

‘It may not be their fault,’ went on Javier – or Javi as he’s known to his nearest slash dearest – ‘but acting against nature and the dignity of the human body is an insult to God.’ Who is a very touchy little bitch, by all reports.

So, that’s your lot. You’re not going no matter how hard you stamp your feet.

PS The Vatican has distanced itself from these remarks saying – and we paraphrase – ‘Them gays is just barking mad. Who knows if they’re getting in or not.’

PPS There is no such thing as heaven.

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4 comments to “Breaking news: gays, you’re not welcome in heaven. Not the nightclub, the after-life experience. So, off you go! Take your bags and hop it.”

  1. Have you seen a picture of this Javier? Special needs doesn’t even cover it.

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  2. Javi : Fuck off and stick your ‘season of goodwill to all men’ where it will tingle.

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  3. Ignoring this all made up anyway — how could he *know* anything about gays in heaven? Gays are barely mentioned in the bible! Just be nice and do good things … which is more than most religious wingnuts do.

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  4. i went to heaven once, to design the interior layout (landlord was the most pervy old snob) and you’re lucky not to be seeing the shoddy job i did >:)

    he wanted a concept of ‘infinity and timelessness’, i ask you . i’m glad i’m not going back . wahtta nutjob.

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