Is this the best picture, ever? Ever and ever? Amen? We ask in a purely rhetorical way for – ladies, gennelmen, undecided and Lady Gaga – tis.
Our two favourite ladies of the moment – or rather, our favourite lady of all time with the lady (we think. We asked Mika and he assured us Lady G doesn’t have a penis) we just can’t get enough of right now – together, in the flesh, one vertical, the other genuflecting, one resplendent in noir, the other crazy as a box of hair in a red latex Elizabethan number (see, she even did research. Lady Gaga’s doing a No. I and Her Maj is No. II. You can’t make this shit up!) together for probably the first and last time at last night’s Royal Variety Performance.
The only fly in this delicious Lemon Drop is the fact that this year’s Royal Variety Performance took place in Blackpool. And we wouldn’t wish that dump on anyone. Let’s hope all and sundries were whisked off – through the sparkly illuminations and obese twelve-year-olds and candy floss and heroin-lined streets to Lytham St Annes, with its pretty dunes, genteel air and average age of 89.
Others present at this glittering night of glittery glitteringness were Michael Bubbles off-of we would, especially now he’s lost the weight; Lulu ‘Weeeee-eeee-eee-eeee-eeeee-e-e-e-eeeeeell’ off-of shouty Lulu, Mika and a painted on beauty spot slash highly malignant melanoma, Bette Midler (yey!), Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chacka Khan (also yey!), Anastacia (go on then. Yey!), Katherine Jenkins (we’re gonna give her a yey, too. ‘Cause we’re feeling the yeys. We’re also feeling something else but that’s a whole other story), and those young children who jump in the air.
And the only dud in this line-up was the dirty, insipid, God-bothering Miley Cyrus who – perhaps taking inspiration from the Baby Jesus himself – decided that she would subject Her Majesty to her vagina. The dirty little girl.
Jump The Jump (TM) to see said thing *spits on tissue; goes to wipe screen* as well as the cheeeeeeeeeenius Lady Gaga playing 30ft in the air on a Dali-esque piano (she’s no Kylie!).
Royal Varieties? J’adore.