Joe McElderry: ‘I’m not gay’. And we’re an ovum.

Gay? Not on his nelly.

Joe McElderry, Queen Gay of ‘Mo Towers, 69 Backdoor Passage, Boystown, Gayland, Her Majesty’s United Kingdom of Bumming, has said he’s straight.

*falls off chair; knocks head on Bauhaus side table; dreams of Joe’s teeth; wakes immediately*

He’s also a total lady but these things are utterly unrelated so don’t start, a’right?

So apart from the fact he’s the gayest thing we’ve ever laid eyes on since Elton John’s arsehole (it’s an allegory. Please), he’s the gayest thing we’ve ever laid eyes on.

Gay.

Thing.

Really gay thing.

And as we all know, being a big ole homo is the bestest thing in the whole wide world. We wouldn’t bum anything else. So and but, really

*sings Disney ballad in style of Narrow Shouldered Gay; tilts head to one side; flashes tombstone teeth; says something northern; exeunts in style of a young Diana Ross…*

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16 comments to “Joe McElderry: ‘I’m not gay’. And we’re an ovum.”

  1. Noooooooooooo, for realz? I’d come out as gay regardless. It’s all the rage.

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  2. Straight he is. Straight to the nearest glory hole that is. He really is the gayest gentlelady I have ever laid false eylashes on. And is it just me, or is he kind of like Hilary Swanks a la Boys Don’t Cry? Laters lovers, I love you all like lovers. TM x

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  3. He gives me the willies, and not in a good way. The straights can have him.
    As in, PLEASE take him!!!

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  4. I’m feelin’ ya, TM…x

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  5. He needs to start carrying a fan, Dangerous Liaisons style-ee……..

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  6. I think we all remember Will Young’s “I’d take the Queen to afternoon tea,” which all seems very deja vu when you read that Joe doesn’t fancy Cheryl and there was “no spark” between him and Katie Price.

    Umm, as Dave Lynn says, that’s because you couldn’t get her vagina in your asshole. Silly boy, sure he’ll come out as screaming out and proud gayer after a year having his teeth removed and down t’gym in LA.

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  7. “‘At the moment the last thing on my mind is a girlfriend,’ he added.” Mmm-hmm.

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  8. Glad to see someone’s keeping up on their Latin declensions.

    Heh-heh – clench.

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  9. i only just found out that the xfactor single is a Thighly Cyrus cover… even more reason to not have anything to do with it.

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  10. He might not take it up the Ronson but I expect his boyfriend does.

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  11. Sweet kid and I wish him all the best with his career. Now, I wish all the bitter pills out there would give him a break – that is, leave him alone. What were you all like at 18?

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  12. esq. really? REALLY?

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  13. Wishing I was getting bummed by the sexy motherfucker who lived opposite, that’s what I was doing at 18.

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  14. There’s no doubt that our Joe is gay, but maybe he hasn’t realised it yet! Give him a break!

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  15. Who, in their right mind, hasn’t ‘worked out’ their sexuality by the age of 18? You never get a hetero saying, ‘Oh, I always thought I was gay, but then I just had to be true to myself.’
    Gay denial is just that, denial. Very sad that in this day and age people still feel as though they have to remain closeted, or indeed the Simon Cowells of this world force them to remain closeted.
    Etc.
    Bye.

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  16. http://www.afterelton.com/music/2010/07/joe-mcelderry

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