Do you dream in chocolate?

Ooh, fancy.

Oh, bollocks, wrong one… But seeing as we’re here, who dreams in chocolate? No really, who? In all our real-life lives, never have we dreamed of, let alone in, chocolate.

And seeing as we’re still here, that woman on the ‘Loose Women is sponsored by Maltesers, the lighter way to enjoy chocolate’ ident things. Not the ads they show of an evening, which are actually quite funny. The idiotic ones with the man-hating cunt that tag the adverts in-betwixt Loose Trouts. Yes, her. We know! She’s so hilariously hilarious it takes all our energy to lift our arm in order to punch her in the tits.

*drifts off; dreams in chocolate; wakes, to the sight of Santa’s crack*

Talking of Christmas, St Tropez – the big guns in the business of going brown – have a spesh needs offer on. From now till the end of January (which includes Christmas. Credit where credit cards maxed to the Max off EastEnders are due, please), if one goes to the swish ‘n’ swanky I.N.C. Space in London’s glittering Holborn/Covent Garden borders, one can get a full body spray tan for £20. That’s 20 earth pounds. Or 20 of Her Majesty’s golden coins. Or the entire GDP of Zimbabwe.

This is good for the following reasons:

– Being brown is a good thing. Fuck the pale is interesting propaganda. Unless you’re Elizabeth I and/or Karen Elson off-of supermodelling and/or dead, being pale is just plain… well it’s just plain.

– Being brown makes you look thin. And if you have muscles – abs, say – it makes said muscles pop. Much like blond(e) hair makes blue eyes pop, a tan will bring out your tits/abs/glutes/can’t remember any more, a treat. Which will make people fancy you (more). Which means people might love you. Which means you might find happiness.

– Being brown will make you happy.

– We’re not talking the sort of tan that makes you look like you’ve fucked a Cheesy Wotsit, btw. Looking like you’ve, well, dreamt in chocolate and woken in a dirty protest is not the look we’re going for. Instead it’s the sort of tan that *reads press release* gives you a golden glow that’ll make people want to bum you.

– I.N.C. Space is just across the road from the Covent Garden branch of Aveda. The CG branch of A has a disproportionate amount of hot gays on its staff. We’re flirting with at least seven of them as we speak *waves; acts coquettishly*

– If you get your St. Tropez tan down I.N.C. for the very reasonable price of £20, chances are you’ll get Sophie aka ‘Tanner to the Stars’ doing you right proper. She does EVERYONE. You should hear the people we’re not allowed to mention!

– And c) and d)

– e) Our shoulder’s playing up a bugger. Repetitive Strain Injury.

– f) You should hear the people we’re not allowed to mention!

Interested? Call Corinne on 020 7557 6655 to book your appointment – or just for a chat – or email

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