A verdict on the BBC’s televisual output over the Christmas period, in one word or less: Homophobic bollocks.

Our thoughts exactly.

Now don’t get us wrong or even R. O. N. G. or even D. I. S. C. O. We love the BBC. We think we might even j’adore it. For ’tis the best public broadcasting whatsit in the whole damn world and one only has to go foreign to remind oneself just how good we have it. Par example: Good telly in the US and A is very much a case of condom-in-a-foam-party (you’re buggered if you can’t find it but you’re really buggered when you hit bingo!) – and the adverts? Can we talk about the adverts? The adverts? More adverts? Then some more? Credits? Adverts? Adverts? Credits? Adverts? Bit of a show? Adverts? And as for those Italians – have you seen the shit they have to sit through?

But back to Her Majesty’s BBC. And Victoria Wood…

It goes without saying how we feel about dear Dame V and her custard creams and her vinegar/vaginas and her bending over backwards on hostess trolleys and her Julie Walters-es and c) and d), but Victoria Wood’s Mid-life Christmas as seen on Santa’s Eve? *shakes head* Her worst work to date, m’lud; some rather lazy dependency on gay stereotypes for a sketch that, were we wearing our Easily Offended Bonnets, we would have found offensive and which also used the same ‘Chillax’ gag (we’ll be the judge of that) that was also to be found in Catherine Tate’s Christmas spesh and The Royle Family Christmas spesh. Were they all working off the same memo? Highlights were Julie Walters as Bo Beaumont off-of Mrs Overall flailing on ice and, at a push, the Smirking Area in Lark Rise to Cranchesterford; lowlights were the rest. And in particular the Mid-Life Games, which really belonged on a show written by Sanjeev Bhaskar. Or Katy Brand.

Next: The Royle Family. Henceforth to be known as the Homophobic Family. We counted *one, two, three, four* FIVE uses of the word ‘poof’ by said dirty Mancunian scally fucks. Now don’t get us wrong. Or even R. O. N. G. Or even K. I. S. S. I. N. G. Twas much better that last year’s effort and until the homophobia reared its dirty thieving bastard head, we were actually quite enjoying it. But then the dirty thieving homophobia reared its, as Jim Royle would say, turtle’s head and made a dirty protest all over the show. Now then now then, we understand characterisation and Jim Royle is supposed to be a vile cunt of a man so, yes, he would call gays ‘poofs’. But he would also, natch, call black people ‘niggers’ and Asian gentlemen callers ‘Pakis’ – but that, dear readers, is hatred that even Caroline Aherne wouldn’t dream of typing into her computerla with one finger for she knows she’d get a clip round the earhole and a kick up the cunt. Homophobia, however, is the hatred that dare still speak its name on Her Maj’s BBC. And secondly – even thirdly if you’re lucky – Dave also referred to Quentin Crisp as ‘the poof Quentin Crisp’. A) Dave is not supposed to be a vile hateful cunt – merely stupid – so is this really characterisation? Or just good old fashioned lazy homophobia? Answers on a nice Princess Di postcard. And b) ‘the poof Quentin Crisp’? What’s wrong with ‘Quentin Crisp’? Would Dave, or Jim for that matter, have referred to Nelson Mandella as ‘the nigger Nelson Mandella’? Again, we rest our very fancy case, m’lud.

Next: Catherine Tate: Nan’s Christmas Carol. In which said Nan also used the P word. Needless to say, if you’re stooping that low, at least make it equal opportunities hatred – otherwise, ditch the homophobia. It’s just not cricket, is it?

Next: The whole of Christmas Day, from 6pm-ish onwards. During which time the same four actors were used for everything. Or, as Straight Brother said, ‘Have we accidentally stumbled across Australian TV?’ We had David Tennant in Doctor Who, also starring Catherine Tate, later to be seen in, you guessed it, Catherine Tate’s Christmas spesh, which also starred David Tennant; then we had Archie in EastEnders, next to be seen immediately afterwards in Gavin and Stacey (remind us again: Is Gavin and Stacey supposed to be funny?) also starring Matthew Horne, next to be seen immediately afterwards in Catherine Tate. There’s deja-vu, then there’s bollocks.

And bottom of the class were those loveable hateful nothern primordials, Ant and/or Dec, who once again maintained their usual standard of eye-bleeding mediocrity with the arse vomit that was ‘Ant and Dec’s Christmas House Party’. (Okay, so this was on ITV, but we didn’t want them to feel left out. Call it festive cheer.)

The end.

*reaches for the poppers* 

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10 comments to “A verdict on the BBC’s televisual output over the Christmas period, in one word or less: Homophobic bollocks.”

  1. Hello! My thoughts exactly.

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  2. Hear, hear, and one more hear for good measure.

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  3. MMm, two shows say the word poof which you then equate to an entire corporation’s output being homophobic. You should start working for the Daily Mail with that kind of mindset. And yet, of course you’re probably the same people who declare ‘how very dare you’ when pissed on alcopops at Heaven, thinking it HILARIOUS. I thought you had more pressing issues to discuss, such as the death of Mika’s career.

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  4. To be fair, Consuela, me old mucker, the Beeb is famously homophobic (‘Should homosexuals be executed?’ Chris Moyle’s sanctioned use of the word ‘gay’ to mean crap, need I go on) but until the word ‘paki’ is used with the same gay abandon as the word ‘poof’ then I think there is a point to be made. Non?

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  5. Consuela sounds like a seasoned Daily Mail commentator.

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  6. This is a hugely valid and very important point to make. I’m very disappointed in you, Consuela. And what’s with the lame Heaven/alcopops reference?

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  7. I’m appreciating the Ant ‘n’ Dec comment. Atrocious little people…

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  8. To get serious for a moment… I’m really glad you brought this up. It really is unacceptable that two of the BBC’s main shows on Christmas Day repeatedly used the term ‘poof’, in a derogatory way (what other way is there?!). As you rightly say, other terms of abuse – nigger, paki, etc – are a no-go area and so should homophobic terms of hatred. Could you imagine the uproar had Catherine Tate called someone a nigger? Could you imagine the Sun headlines if someone in the Royle Family referred to someone a paki? That dancing chap on Strictly had to publicly apologise to the nation for calling his friend a ‘paki’ in private, for Christ’s sake… Either allow it all, or none of it. Simple as that. Why are gays the soft touch when it comes to things like this?

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  9. J’agree Michelle. Well said.

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  10. Methinks that, compared with her usual laser-edged comedic oeuvre, Vi’s latest was about as funny as a crack in a glass eye..

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