It’s as British as bumming and as thrilling as an episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me (note to Sherrie Hewson. Drop the baby-girl act. Ridiculous woman) – tiswas the New Year’s Honours List, The Queen’s very own tickle under the chin for those of us lucky enough to have done well in, you know, stuff.
For those in climes not accustomed to such goings on, The Queen – or Prince Charles, mostly. Queenie’s got bowling to play on her Wii – has successful ladies, gentlemen and quite often the undecided, round to her gaff on The Mall (Mall is in ‘pal’, not Mall as in ‘ball’. It’s a regal thoroughfare not Westfield) and gives them anything ranging from an MBE (Member of the British Empire) to a real life knighthood slash damehood (examples are Dames Shirley, Judi and Maggie; Sirs Elton, Isaac and that bloke down The Hoist) for services to *fill blank* – via some fancy arm-work with a really old sword.
It’s all very Sir Walter Raleigh as played by Clive Owen (on bended knee? We should white-wee coco!). Only these days you don’t have to be schtupping royalty or indeed have something over them to get a gong – you just have to be outstanding in your field. Even if that field is an actual field. With sheep. There was a lovely chap last year who got one of the lesser ones for services to being a shepherd on a very chilly island in Scotland. It was a touching moment.
Do you catch our snow drift?
So what it all boils down to is Patrick Stewart off-of bald in a hot older man way, has been given a knighthood. Which thus thusly and therefore as a result, makes him Sir Patrick Stewart. Betty’s a big fan, apparently. Well, she does like a smooth work surface.
Other lucky chaps and chapettes and in-betweeners this year include Jenson Button off-of driving, who gets the MBE – not to be confused with MDMA, though we’d quite like to see that. You’ll think the sabre is your best friend in the world and start regaling Her Maj with really great business ideas that will just, like, be amazing.
‘To be recognised by Her Majesty The Queen and the British people is a tremendous honour for me,’ said Jenson ‘n’ Hedges Button Moon.
We take our pants off to you, sir.