‘Pervert story of the week…!’ (Sang in Harry Hill style-ee. Or Cilla Black stripping wallpaper style-ee. Or Joe McElderry gay style-ee. Or Susan Boyle-in-a-bag, mad-as-a-box-of-hair style-ee. Or all of the above. Ee.)

Sexy.

To continue our sporadic series, ‘What are those crazy perverts up to now?’ which has indeed proven very popular, we bring you the tale of unfortunate looking Ian Stafford, former mayor of somewhere unfortunately entitled Preesall Town Council, Lancashireford, which is in the north. Fortunately for us.

His particular tickle-me-down-there criminal crime was stealing underwear from local ladies. To be more specific, women who lived local. Even more specifically, he robbed them of their, and we quote, ‘bras, knickers and lingerie’. (We’re not experts, but doesn’t lingerie generally include bras and knickers?) 

But what was especially daring about Ian’s crimes, is that he didn’t just leap garden fences and nick the frillies from off-of the washing line, a la cheeky young scamp with swollen balls and catch-me-if-you-can attitude. Oh-oh-oh-oh, no. He real-life actually broke into his victims’ homes and took them from their drawers. Drawers from their drawers! It’s like Lark Rise to Candleford…

Anyway, he appeared in court yesterday and he might go to jail/prison/what’s the difference?

May we quote again? ‘Ian Stafford sparked a climate of fear in his neighbourhood.’

Whatever happened to blaming it on your just-curious offspring? Your cross-dressing husband-ette? Your shitty memory? The menopause? Baby Jesus?

It says something when your first suspect is the funny-looking bloke who used to be mayor of *re-reads* Preesall Town Council. Country? Gone to the dogs, blahcetera…

ps. ‘Town councils’… How strip-lighting.

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More dolly #content:

3 comments to “‘Pervert story of the week…!’ (Sang in Harry Hill style-ee. Or Cilla Black stripping wallpaper style-ee. Or Joe McElderry gay style-ee. Or Susan Boyle-in-a-bag, mad-as-a-box-of-hair style-ee. Or all of the above. Ee.)”

  1. I kind of feel sorry for the funny looking sod.

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  2. Someone nicked my kecks and I was beside myself.

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  3. If you don’t wear any knickers no one can steal em. It’s a win-win.

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