If British TV is the finest in the world, we’d like to know what everyone else is watching

Arse 'n' Hole

First, can we just say, Ant ‘n’ Dec, take your sorry wannabe Morecombe and Wise routine and shove it up your smug Geordie arses? See, that feels better already.

Secondly, the good news. Sir Trevor McDonut didn’t present last night’s National Television Awards (the man can’t even read off an autocue and that, pretty much, is all his job involves!), and Coronation Street beat EastEnders to Best Neverending Drama, or whatever it’s called. Oh, and the butcher bloke from Corrie was as genuinely funny as we always thought he’d be.

Then there was, of course, the question of Stephen Fry getting his lifetime achievement gong (with a nice little filmed tribute from HRH Prince Charles). What’s wrong with that, you say? Nothing in this world if he was joining a pantheon that included true TV greats like Victoria Wood, French and Saunders, Alan Bennett, Terry Wogan, Joanna Lumley… Unfortunately, former recipients were Ant ‘n’ Dec, Michael ‘body in the pool’ Barrymore, Chris Tarrant, Robson Green, Bet Lynch, Sir Trevor ‘can’t quite pronounce any of these words’ McDonald…

And obviously, it’s all just a way of ITV bigging itself up, including a ‘performance’ by the fat retarded Jedward twins and Joe ‘if you’re not gay then the Queen’s not a member of the royal family’ McElderry. Even on GMTV this morning they mentioned the glory of ITV wins like Ant ‘n’ Dec, X Factory, Loose Women but failed to namecheck Stephen Fry, who not only won the biggest award but but won another one into the bargain.

Add to that the fact they literally couldn’t get over the fact it was all happening in the 02 – everyone had to mention it as they came on to dole out awards while the cameras used every other shot to swoop over the room, even though that meant we couldn’t actually see what was going on on stage – and we think you’ll agree it was a shower – a big shower – of shite. No wonder ITV can’t get advertising anymore.

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3 comments to “If British TV is the finest in the world, we’d like to know what everyone else is watching”

  1. Joe McFucking Gooseberry. I’ve got more charisma in my little toe.

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  2. National Mediocrity Awards, more like.

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  3. When will the Queen get down to business and Knight Ant and Dec? Just a slip of the wrist and she could behead the gits. Dame Ant and Sir Dec.

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