Well thank the baby fucking Jesus.

Heinz - that’s Lady Heinz to you - has come up with a new, what are we calling this? Packet.

It’s for the tomato sauce consumer on the go - which is surely all of us - and enables said tomato sauce go-er to dip or, wait for it… squeeze!

No really, dip or squeeze. Squeeze… or even dip.

You heard us right. Dip and/or squeeze.

Dip ou squeeze? Mmmm-hmmm, girlfren’.

Apparently, Heinz ’struggled for years to develop a container that lets diners dip or squeeze’.

Err, our cat could have come up with that in his lunch hour. And he’s only three.

Question: Is that hand off-of male or non-male? If the former, the nail is over the acceptable length of a male nail. And is therefore creepy as fuck. Call us picky - call us irresponsible, unreliable and even throw in undependable if you must - but the nail issue (or Nail Issue) is very much on the fourth page of our Little Black Book of Deal Breakers.

And whilst we’re here… Dear dirty little man in the gymgaysium last week. Cutting one’s toenails whilst sat at a bench in the changing rooms is a big, morbidly obese no-no. You sick fuck.

*is a little bit sick in mouth and surrounding areas*