The effects of a life-long diet of chocolate-covered croissants.

Mother?

Sir Dame Joan Collins – national treasure from the bottom of her tootsies to the top of her acrylic hair – is here seen sporting the two fingers prostrate, three fingers folded look. We’d say she was feigning a pistol, but we wouldn’t want to scare the Daily Mail.

Speaking of which, could a REAL woman carry off the two fingers prostrate, three fingers folded look?

*calls Liz Jones; Liz Jones picks up phone in shrill manner; silence; breathes heavily*

Could a REAL woman be the victim of a silent call with sexual undertones?

*calls Liz Jones; Liz Jones picks up phone, still in shrill manner; asks to speak to someone else*

Joan ‘of Arc’ Collins, we should let it be known, is not a real woman. She is, how shall we put this, a robot from the future. Which explains the ’80s gettup.

It’s all an elaborate plot – with twists and turns – to sell chunky jewellery from Alexis Bittar. Which explains the c in a circle followed by the words Alexis and Bittar in the bottom left corner of the picture.

‘I always feel glamorous and sexy whenever I adorn myself in his creations,’ gushed Aunt Joan, whilst stuffing her gob with a chocolate-covered croissant specially flown in from Paris.

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One comment to “The effects of a life-long diet of chocolate-covered croissants.”

  1. There was a time when a laydee didn’t wear a ring over a glove. We’re talking Nana. We’re talking Lola (Montez).
    And Joan can remember those times. *sniffs*

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