Let’s discuss Cheryl Cole’s new bum-chum, with the aid of numbers. Red numbers.

Not today, thanks. 

1. Hair. That has seen more heterosexual days.

2. Eyebrows. Which have seen more heterosexual days.

3. Pout. Currently being sported by every Narrow Shouldered Gay in the land.

4a Dog. If one is schtuppin’ a female lady, who takes their dog?

4b. Dog. Yorkshire Terriers are ‘all the rage’ in the US and possibly A. This is a Yorkshire Terrier. That means this dog is fashion. Gay.

5. Somebody’s number from Micky’s down on Santa Monica. Do the math.

6. Jean pocket a la Eastern Europe. Just thought we’d mention it.

7. The jeans tucked into open boots thing. Not now, dear.

Other facts that are difficult to represent by numbers on a picture:

– He left Cheryl’s Beverly Hills hotel at 4am. Who leaves at 4am unless they’re a gay on a promise or Cheryl’s PA called and said the paps were waiting and now would be good time?

– He loves to daaaaaaance.

In conclusion, nice new gay you’ve got there, Cheryl Cole off-of divorcing Ashley.

Ooh, one last thing:

Ashley shagging a bunch of ladies of the night is one thing – or seven things – and we’d be tempted to turn a blind eye. But when they’re all a bunch of dogs that’s just insulting.

Oh actually, just one more teeny tiny thing:

Derek Hough. Some of our closest friends are called Derek. We just choose not to acknowledge them.

*Derek calls; pause; puts phone down*

ps. The font we chose for the red numbers is ‘Showcard Gothic’. We thought it was appropriate because we imagine Derek Hough likes to take in a show.

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More dolly #content:

5 comments to “Let’s discuss Cheryl Cole’s new bum-chum, with the aid of numbers. Red numbers.”

  1. So all these munters Ashley’s apparently shagged. Does that mean he’s not a gay?

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  2. Oh MMM, you know this morning whilst reading one of the UK’s best loved Screwspapers, I said to myself, I said ‘self- do they actually expect any one to believe that this lady of the lavendar is doing anything except sharing a bit of girl talk, and possibly the odd lemon drop whislt listening to Abba Gold with one Miss Cheryl Cole?’ He may possibly be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been on the lash with Pilar Palubundar while he gave it a little too much Michelle Pfieffer on the piano if I’m being honest.

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  3. Tequilla, how dare you share secrets from our marital unit. And FYI, my favourite font is Anderson Four Feather Falls. Just because.

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  4. Ladies, you have made my morning. I might have to celebrate by discovering a new font. And if there is bumming, so be it.

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  5. He looks like someone … who is it? A young Zsa Zsa Gabor without her hairpiece, I ask you?

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