Naomi on the run!

Naomi Campbell. Baddest bitch in the room.

Naomi Campbell’s gone crazy as a box of hair on someone’s ass again and is on the run as a result.

How exciting is that?

Apparently she slapped and punched – or punched and slapped – her chauffer whilst cruising the streets of London’s glittering New York for shits and giggles.

The alleged 27-year-old victim (we’ll be the judge of that) claims Naorobi Campbell was sitting in the back of his black Cadillac Escalade when she threw a temper tantrum and punched him.

Black Cadillac Escalades will do that to you.

New York police yesterday issued a ‘harassment report’, which doesn’t carry a penalty. Because there are no witnesses. Which basically means a ‘harassment report’ means fuck all. It’s rather redundant. Meaningless. Ineffectual. Impotent. Of no import. It’s like the PCC.

*looks at title; pauses for thought. Looks at title; pauses for thought. Looks at title; thinks*

Like, oooh. New TV show! ‘Naomi On The Run’! It could be Challenge Anneka meets America’s Next Top Model meets Pineapple Dance Studios meets Last of the Summer Wine.

Each week, four (male) criminals fight it out in lily-white shorty shorts using only the ends of their fingers – in front of a celebrity panel made up of Judith Chalmers, Rupert Everett, Sir Dame Joan Collins, the late, great Les Dawson, Bananarama’s Karen Woodward and someone off The Bill – to become Naomi’s sacrificial miscreant of the week. Naomi Bait, if you will. Then, the studio doors fling open into the night, and 1 minute appears on a very large clock. The countdown begins, and with a little help from a baying live audience, Naomi’s bait is unleashed into the mean streets of the Southbank just outside those ITV studios where they do This Morning and An Audience With….

Naomi, meanwhile, is caged and frothing stage left, arms flailing between the bars, weave getting caught in god knows what, eyes dilated, mascara all clumped, a fucked up twitch every 20 seconds or so for dramatic effect, flies buzzing around her head. Three… two… one… And Naorobi’s off!

With only her heightened sense justic and smell to guide her, everyone’s favourite supermodel apart from Kate Moss is sent schizo-style-ee (think Sigourney Weaver when she gets posessed by Zuul in Ghostbusters) into the Big London night in a race against the clock – half an hour, let’s say – to find, capture, and slap to death the Sacrificial Miscreant of the Week.  

It’s a sure-fire hit and we’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams.

And it’s a damn site better than any of the bollocks dirty Ant ‘n’ Dec have ever arse-vomited on the tellybox.

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13 comments to “Naomi on the run!”

  1. Naomi On The Run is my new favourite show. I’m already planning my social life around it.

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  2. But Lulu, is it as compelling as Pineapple Dance Studios? I won’t leave the house on a Sunday eve until it’s over.

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  3. we are >hearting

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  4. we are >hearting …….? The Pineapple too. that bit on the roof was just genius.

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  5. Pilar, Antony… I am off-of obsessed by Pineapple. Louie with an ‘e’ is, well, beyond. The producers must’ve been white-weeing themselves when they came across this lot.
    I think it might be the best show on TV since the last one.

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  6. Ladies, thank heavens. I thought I was the only one. There isn’t enough time in the day to profess my love for Tricia off-of ‘I’m Going Bonkers’.

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  7. who’s the tart with all the botox? her ‘debut’ at Freedom with two naff jessies cavorting with her was A HOOT. her rapt audience [of 5] must have been paid to sit there… even then barey concealing their laughter. shame.on.her.

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  8. Oh but did you also see her showcase at the Shadow Lounge? My jaw fell to the floor then walked out of the room. Shockingly, brilliantly, deliciously awful.

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  9. Can we start up a We Heart Pineapple group? We could meet every Monday night in a piano bar to talk about the show while slugging back Dirty Martis. And if we end up making out, so be it.

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  10. sounds good to me. i’m in.

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  11. Me three and four! I’m trembling with excitement.

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  12. I’ll see if I can get Starman to do the entertainment.

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  13. if Starman is not free can we have Paul Sculfor instead?

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