So, you’re ITV, you’ve bought GMTV and you want to save some money. Where do you start?


Truly spoilt for choice. Get rid of Lorraine Kelly who is working everyone’s reserve nerve with her patronising ‘You couldn’t really wear it to Sains-berries, could you?’ when reviewing McQueen’s latest show and her ‘Oh, my god, that’s amazing!’ every time someone says, ‘Hello!’

You could get rid of cunty and vaguely homophobic Andrew Castle.

You could save some money on the weathergirl who adds an extra syllable to every word (‘Tomorrower willer be-er sunny-er iner the-er souther’).

You could dump Ben Shephard who thinks he’s all that and a bag of cheesy Quavers even though there’s so little to him we think he might be mist.

You could definitely dump that Emma woman whose every movement is informed by the fact that she knows she is absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Or you could get shot of Kate Garroway, even though we quite like her, trout or no trout.

But what you do if you’re ITV hoping to save a couple of squids is get rid of the only intelligent people on the whole show. Not only intelligent but sparky and witty and funny. People who can actually conduct an interview without just saying ‘So, you fell of a cliff when your car brake went and landed at the bottom and were rescued and had a broken leg and are alright now?’ as if that was a question that there’s an answer to.

Yes, you get rid of Penny Smith. And you make John Stapleton, who, by good morning television standards is like Stephen Hawkins and Bradley Pitt rolled into one slightly left of centre package, a ‘special reporter’.

Nice work, ITV. We also look forward to Ant ‘n’ Dec being given more shows.

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4 comments to “So, you’re ITV, you’ve bought GMTV and you want to save some money. Where do you start?”

  1. Losing Penny Smith? Losing their minds, more like. She is the only good thing about that show (apart from Richard Arnold’s showtune 3 mins of course).

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  2. I am SHOCKED. So SHOCKED in fact, that I wrote shocked as SHOCKED.
    Actually I’m not shocked at all, ’cause the head cheeses at ITV are notoriously retarded.
    And what with the BBC producing telly wank like The One Show, which I literally could knock out during elevenses, televisual standards have ne’er been so SHITTING low. SHITTING low.

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  3. they make decisions like this and they are trying to blame BBC for their problems???
    Oh well, this is from an organisation which thought that paying a fortune for a wise move..

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  4. Not only is Penny Smith very funny and/or witty, she is also a bit of a fitty (which only like totally uses some of the same letters as f’unny’ and ‘witty’). For shame on ITV and their Head Cheeses (and their Cheesey Heads).

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