Love Never Dies. Some notes and comments on a world premiere

Die, bitch!

1. We like the idea of being asked to remain in our seats at interval so that champagne can be brought to us. Especially when it means that when you nip to the loo you can get even more.

2. We also like the idea of being bussed in buses (old-school London Routemasters) to a party – though it occurred to us that having a party nearer the theatre might be an even better idea, especially when it meant grappling with a bunch of old cunts in fur coats to get on.

3. We like a big, lavish party with endless champagne and food and old cunts in fur coats, but why don’t you play a record? The silence made it seem like customs when you arrive in New York.

4. The opening of Love Never Dies is genius in that you can’t work out if the stage dipping into the background is 2D or 3D.

5. It goes quickly quite boring and that woman’s voice is like nails down a blackboard.

6. The art nouveau art direction was a good idea but poorly pulled off. And we hate anything poorly pulled off.

7. There are not many songs in it. The title song is nicked from The Beautiful Game and the only one that got a really enthusiastic round of applause was the jokey one.

8. If you’re going to make a big deal of this being scary Coney Island freak-show territory, it really needs to have something more scary than someone with a tattoo on his face.

9. Children in musicals that are not Oliver!? No. Sorry. Not having it.

10. Would love to give it a five-star review or a zero-star slagging but in fact it’s a firm two-and-a-half stars: needs to be shorter, livelier, scarier, sexier… though keep your eye out for the man on the beach with the big muscles and the bulge.

PS Whoever came up with Paint Never Dries deserves a clap. Or the clap.

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