Right, see that window up there above the pointy bit? The one on the right? Small square window? That’s where Satan aka the Devil lives. ‘Strue!
‘The devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences,’ says Father Gabriele Amorth, chief Exorcist (he used to be just like Deputy Assistant Exorcist but after that project he did into Satan’s taste in clothes – The Devil Wears Prada – he was fast-tracked into the top job). And when he says consequences, he doesn’t just mean wet towels left lying all over the bathroom and some dubious ‘wanky hankies’ stuffed down the back of the radiators. No. He means much more serious shit.
‘He can remain hidden,’ says the Father, which is a bugger when you’re calling him in for his tea. ‘Or speak in different languages.’ Well, that’s clever. Wonder if he can help with the homework from our Spanish lessons. ‘Or even appear to be sympathetic.’ He sounds quite nice. We think we like him. ‘At times he makes fun of me,’ he says. Really? And you think he’s the only one? ‘But I’m a man who is happy in his work.’ A little too happy love. Someone check the line we drew on the Communion Wine.
He goes on to say, very reasonably, that people who are possessed by the devil vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron. Ooooo kaaaaaaay. He also said the child abuse scandal and that genius woman who pushed the Pope over were evidence, scientific evidence, that the devil is working against the Pope (actually, that woman was just earning the money we’d raised on a whip round in the pub one night after work, while as for the child abuse, that’s just what Catholic priests do for relaxation instead of watching The Alan Titchmarsh Show).
In a footnote, this highly sensible man (well, you don’t become president of the Association of Exorcists if you’ve got a screw loose: you need PLENTY of screws loose) says that the Harry Potter books are dangerous.
*backs slowly towards the door trying not to lose eye contact with Father Amorth while speaking in a soothing voice so as not to excite the nice Father*