Archives by date

You are browsing the site archives by date.

If you squint, Cristiano Ronaldo’s shirt actually says, ‘Bum me’.

Go on, touch 'em!

And on the back it says, ‘Please’.

See, even ladies have manners.

As for the legs, the obvious comparison is Madonna’s arms, but we wouldn’t be so obvious. Because that’s just obvious.

Anyway, the bell just rang which means we’ve got precisely 72 hours to get paralytically drunk. Or just squiffy enough to reach out and touch, somebody’s hand. As well as everybody’s arse. Jeeeesh, they’ll be wanting blood next.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Gay May Day Bank Holiday Weekend. How pretty does that sound?

Circus? We should Coco the Clown...

Howsabout, May Gay Day Bank Holiday Weekend? Or, Day May Gay Bank Holiday Weekend? Or, Day Gay May Wank Holiday Beekend?

Before we start, can we just say, we saw Kier Simmons off-of hot ITN news correspondent (lovely of eyes, chunky of thighs) on the bus, and he left his empty coffee cup on said bus.

*tuts, audibly. And so people can hear*

So this weekend is a three day weekend for most people. And if you’re unemployed, you’ve finally got someone to play out with.

And this is our guide to what’s on this weekend. Or rather, what’s on on Sunday night, because doing the whole weekend is tooooo harrrrrrrrrrrrrd. Or rather, just one thing which is on on Sunday night because, because because because, because of the wonderful things he-she does.

So it’s Circus, Jodie Harsh’s rather special thing, and this Day Gay May Wank Holiday Beekend is continuing its new monthly residency at Paramount. You know, that fancy-pants club atop Centrepoint. DJs alongside Jodie will be The XX, Tom Stephan, plus a super-spesh guest who will be announced on Twitter on Saturday.

If you can’t read the bit at the bottom of the flyer to the north of here, go here. Needless to say, it’s on from 10.30pm to 5am, tickets are £12 pre-booked (£15 on the door), and we think half a pint of shandy booze might be involved.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Surgery much? The woman can’t close her eyes!

Silly cow

Any tighter and she’ll have a little James I beard! 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

It’s that time! You know, the first time you can see Christina’s new lezzie video!

Nice puckers.

We’re trying desperately hard to find the song in there, but since when did that matter in this day and age and week?

ps. She’s having rumpy-pumpy with all ‘n’ Sunday best in ‘ere. Good girl.

pps. There are some mens dancing topless in the rain.

ppps. She looks like Beyoncé in one bit of it. This one bit in fact…

Oh hello.

And c) and d).

And because record companies don’t get that sharing means money and money means prizes, you have to go all the way over there to watch it. By which we mean here. Toodle-pips.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Look at Gerard Butler’s lovely Coriolanus!

The Coriolanus on that!

Gerard ‘Gerry’ Butler proves that more than just arms (two), he has a Coriolanus that you can put side by side with any other Coriolanus in the business.

His Coriolanus is second to none. It’s a world-beating Coriolanus. A Coriolanus to make grown men weep.

*work experience enters wearing doublet and hose – well, it’s dress down Friday – and informs that Coriolanus is in fact a play. By one Mr. Shakespeare. And this is a film of the play by Mr. Shakespeare directed by Ralph Fiennes*

So, Gerry. Let your Coriolanus take a bow. We love it. Can’t get enough of it. Stand up and salute it. Find it good enough to eat.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

The easiest £100,000 anyone ever made!

Take the money and run. Or hobble away.

You can hardly blame her for taking £100,000 of the Daily Cunt’s very dirty cash (we’d want it to go through a 60-degree wash with Ariel Gel before we’d touch it and even then we’d have some Mariah Carey Wet Wipes under the counter as we went through it), but it’s going to be a pretty skimpy story, don’t you think?

‘Well, he cum in, like,’ in a Rochdale accent, obviously, so imagine Lisa Stansfield. ‘He sat ‘imself down, bold as brass he were, and he says to me, “Gillian,” he says. “Gillian, what’s all this nonsense?” he says. He says, “I’m right dead sorry like that I said you was a bigot like. What I meant to say is, like… And then he gets up, bold as brass like, and goes out’t door, like, and puts his hand out like to shake mine heck as like, and I don’t give ‘im no hand to shake. Too right I don’t, like. Why should I, like? He’s called me a bigotry like. Can I now have my £100,000, like? There are black puddings I can’t wait to get me ‘ands on like and there’s a whippet in t’pet shop window I’ve had my eye on since last Wednesday fortnight…”

A rivetting exchange well worth buying The Cunt on Sunday for, we say. Oh, and Gillian, since it bought your lifelong Labour principles, be sure to count that money very carefully. Oh, and don’t spend any in shops run by ‘immigrants’.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

OK, we’re officially back in love…

Dirty pussycat!

‘How do I look up the back?’ goes Debbie Reynolds at the opening night of her London run, Alive and Fabulous (‘Well, I’m alive. You’ll have to decide whether I’m fabulous’).

‘Great!’ shout the paupers up in the balcony who can’t afford proper seats downstairs because they spend all their money on Embassy Regals and scratch-cards. ‘Good,’ goes Ms. Reynolds, ‘because to these people down here I look like Lady Gaga!’

That was apropos of absolutely nothing at all because this is all about Christina Dirty Aguilera being backer than a very back thing.

Her new video is premiered on Friday but there is the sneakiest of sneaky peeks over the jump. Looking good, bitch! (more…)

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Now, how are you going to choose how to make your vote? Policies? Personalities? A private comment made about a dodgy granny that ITV probably illegally ran with? It’s not like he called her a Susan Boyle-faced cunt, is it?

And another thing....

One despairs. One utterly despairs.

*shakes fist at sky in despairing way*

Not only do you have the Stylist approach to voting in a General Election (you know, which of these three men has the nicest hair and shoes); not only do you have the Leaders’ Debate approach to voting in a General Election (you know, which of these three men looked into the camera most and had the nicest, shiniest smile); you now have the ‘anything you ever say ever, like EVER in your life – no matter how well founded, no matter how in a private car – will be recorded by underhand messages and used to bring you down’ approach to voting in a General Election.

Because ultimately, we’re not interested in policies or minimum wage or full equality for gays or shortest NHS waiting times in history or devolution for Scotland and Wales or the trebling of aid or the cancelling of debt. No, why worry about that?

And we’re not worried that the super-rich will get super-richer with lovely tax breaks (when multi-millionaire lunk Gary Barlow comes out on your team, you know you’re morally bankrupt), that the country’s remaining assets will come under the hammer before Number 10 gets a fresh lick of paint (‘How much am I offered for these lovely priceless crown jewels, hardly ever worn?’) and that foxes will no longer be able to go about their business without a bunch of red-jacketed cunts riding after them on horses that can barely take their weight.

No, what we’re really worried about is whether someone said something in a private conversation that they wouldn’t have said on TV. That’s how we’re judging it this time round.

Which is why we are voting for Sooty. 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)