Peaches Geldof is, and we quote real life words here, ‘a bright, intelligent, incredibly creative young writer’.

Whatever for?

This is according to the poor bastard who goes out with the Partying Potato (TM). Eli Roth.

Out of these seven words Eli has used to describe the lump he’s schuppin’ (poor bastard), two are correct. She is indeed ‘young’ and he got the ‘a’ from ‘a cunt’. So that’s, like, 29% correct or something. Someone check for us please. 29%-or-something is pretty darn poor.

What it is, is, Eli has done the decent/lame thing of writing an open letter to the mother of the poor bastard (yes, the mother) on MySpace (yes, MySpace) who spent a heroin-fuelled night with the Partying Potato (TM) and let the world in on his rancid little secret, after which the Geldof thing lost her gig flogging Ultimo bras to people who shouldn’t really know better.

The transcript of this open letter is over the jump, should you wish to read it whilst shaking your head not only in disbelief but in an attempt to get the images of dirty Peaches out of your head. It may require years of medication and one or two crunch biscuits.

Before that, here are some choice snip-ettes from the open letter. An open letter is, for anyone who doesn’t know, a letter that is not closed.

Firstly, the ‘bright, intelligent, incredibly talented writer’ thing. We’re laughing so hard we can barely type through the tears. Our cat, Noodle (more on him later. He’s currently enjoying The 100 Greatest Musicals on More4) just walked across our laptop because it’s warm and the results shit on anything Peaches Geldof has ever written.

Eli also accused this boy, Ben Bluett-Mills (do you think he was called ‘Blow Job Mills’ at school, when the funny kids turned Bluett into ‘Blow it’ and ‘Blow it’ into ‘Blow job’?) of selling the heroin/tits story to get famous. You don’t fucking say. But, more than that, oh the irony. Oh! The irony. When Peaches Geldof is, indeed, what is known in the business as a ‘fame whore’. She’s also what is known in the business as ‘a cunt’.


Now for the transcript of the not-closed letter. We guess it’s sweet he cares.  


‘Your son… took a bright, intelligent, incredibly creative young writer and ­damaged her ability to work until people forget about this or dismiss it as nonsense.

‘Not only has your son’s ­horrible lies painted Peaches as ­‘dangerous’ to many who would potentially hire her, but companies like ­Ultimo Underwear are using this ‘scandal’ as a reason to fire ­Peaches by saying she is not a role model for young girls.

‘And for what? Some ­psychotic story your son made up that people were all too ready to ­believe.  Stories your son clearly read before he made up that post. He knew exactly what he was writing, the details were far too calculated.

‘And that made it all the more destructive.

‘These ­stories also send a dangerous message to anyone who has ever made a mistake, that no matter how much you change, ­someone can make up a sick story about you and ­everyone will revert to the worst image of your past.

‘She has worked hard to grow up and overcome her troubled past. Your son… used the most painful events from someone’s past to make himself famous, and it worked.’

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2 comments to “Peaches Geldof is, and we quote real life words here, ‘a bright, intelligent, incredibly creative young writer’.”

  1. I think Eli Roth is kinda hot. But I wouldn’t touch him now I know he’s had THAT all over him.

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  2. I think Ben Blueballs-Mills should get an honourary Knighthood if he has in fact marked her dangerous to anybody who would potentially hire her for any reason other than a snuff film….HOSTEL V the beheading of Peaches

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