The Pope, seen here wearing a whole new look – it’s fresh, it’s kicky, it’s ‘lady on the Clinique counter’ meets ‘dirty kiddy fiddler’ – has a new crisis on his soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom hands (and who would know what the tactile quality of a baby’s bottom is if not a member of the high clergy, right?)
It turns out that a retired Italian bishop (listen, all that directing of the choir can take it out of a dolly) has accused ‘a Zionist attack’ (and no, Zion is not just a lyric from ‘By the Rivers of Babylon’) for criticism of the Catholic Church’s handling first of underage children’s genitals and then the resulting furore. Brou ha ha. Shitstorm.
His name is Giacomo Babini – ‘Ciao, dolly!’ – and though he has denied saying such a thing (How very dare they, right?), he has been quoted as talking to Pontifex, which is apparently a Catholic website and not a gel with which the Pope holds in his dentures, as saying re Jews and other Jewish people, ‘They do not want the church, they are its natural enemies. Deep down, historically speaking, the Jews are God killers.’
That old chestnut. What is this? The Middle Ages? And us walking the streets without a dirndl to our names!
In unrelated but very exciting news, atheists Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are talking to lawyers about having the Pope arrested for crimes against humanity as soon as that heavily embroidered slipper hits the tarmac and before he has a chance to give the whole country herpes by kissing the ground, as is a Pope’s wont and fancy. The Vatican has said that as Head of State he can’t be touched. Richie and Chris are arguing that as the Vatican isn’t a full member of the United Nations, it’s not a proper country.
Which, of course, it isn’t.