Now, while we applaud anyone’s attempt to get their VPL out there, there must be an end to this sort of clothing

Oh

This is Channing Tatum. And we have decided never to find out who that is, even though you often hear the name bandied about. Probably someone off-of telly but don’t tell us *puts fingers in ears and makes sort of Red Indian – or Native American – noise with tongue*

We enjoy and applaud the lumpage in the front of the… what is this we are wearing here? Crinoline culottes? But apart from that, the whole outfit is driving us crazy.

Let’s start with the outsize beanie, which says ‘I have great hair, but I am on downtime and I am trying to play down my god-given beauty so no one stops me and wants me and ruins their life thinking about me’. It is the male equivalent of the Cheryl Cole-esque full face of make-up and baseball cap. You look like a cunt, mate. Get rid.

Then the long-sleeve under a short-sleeve because this is 1998 and again, we’re in ‘we don’t care’ mode. Yes, a short-sleeved T-shirt would fit under a long-sleeved one but that would ruin the ‘don’t care’ effect. A lot of time and effort goes into ‘don’t care’, you know.

Finally, the sweatpants. A). a pocket on the side? B). when an item of sports clothing starts to curtail normal human movement (we saw a guy running for a bus yesterday and it was like he was wearing a farthingale, it was so much trouble) something’s gone horribly wrong. And C). Honey, no.
Finally, can we just look at that face? Now, is that really the face of a heart-throb off-of telly? Or pictures? Or whatever medium it is he’s famous in?

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7 comments to “Now, while we applaud anyone’s attempt to get their VPL out there, there must be an end to this sort of clothing”

  1. So funny, so true.

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  2. And the bag? It looks like one of those freezer bags you get as a gift with purchase when you buy a tent from Argos.

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  3. That’s quite a bulge!
    (Loved Claude’s comment: 10/10)

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  4. bulging trackies i can live with… but those fucking horrible wooly bags that chaps are wearing on their heads? no thank you. they look like a giant pair of cheap underpants. ERGO. naff.

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  5. He had a peepee accident in Scotland…. Here is a bit of the details magazine interview –
    Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that’s been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it’s painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it. Movie stars tend to be vain, by nature and profession, but Chan–that’s what everyone calls him–does not mind one bit showing me his sad, withered wiener.

    “It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life,” he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. His scorched member. “I’m good . . . now,” he says with a grin. “Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach.”

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  6. that’s charming, i must say! my mother might read Details you know. penis-monger.

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  7. If you’re a guy with a flat stomach, you’re going to have some lumpage; it’s the way we are built. Careful selection of pantage and under gear decides how much or how little you show, but we guys know all about that. Maybe trying sweats 3 sizes smaller would show off even better, not to mention actually fitting. Channing’s too young to remember the T. J. Hammer days when parachute pants were actually in style – for about 5 minutes. Good thing that distracts from the cap; a miserable choice of head covering. Guys with hair so short it can’t be messed up shouldn’t wear this type of crappage.

    When you are among the finest examples of human evolution, it should be a crime to cover that up. Channing, you have a responsibility to show your gifts, lest they be wasted and un-enjoyed. I don’t believe the pee-pee accident story. I’m sure his manhood matches the rest of him. I volunteer to find out.

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