One despairs. One utterly despairs.
*shakes fist at sky in despairing way*
Not only do you have the Stylist approach to voting in a General Election (you know, which of these three men has the nicest hair and shoes); not only do you have the Leaders’ Debate approach to voting in a General Election (you know, which of these three men looked into the camera most and had the nicest, shiniest smile); you now have the ‘anything you ever say ever, like EVER in your life – no matter how well founded, no matter how in a private car – will be recorded by underhand messages and used to bring you down’ approach to voting in a General Election.
Because ultimately, we’re not interested in policies or minimum wage or full equality for gays or shortest NHS waiting times in history or devolution for Scotland and Wales or the trebling of aid or the cancelling of debt. No, why worry about that?
And we’re not worried that the super-rich will get super-richer with lovely tax breaks (when multi-millionaire lunk Gary Barlow comes out on your team, you know you’re morally bankrupt), that the country’s remaining assets will come under the hammer before Number 10 gets a fresh lick of paint (‘How much am I offered for these lovely priceless crown jewels, hardly ever worn?’) and that foxes will no longer be able to go about their business without a bunch of red-jacketed cunts riding after them on horses that can barely take their weight.
No, what we’re really worried about is whether someone said something in a private conversation that they wouldn’t have said on TV. That’s how we’re judging it this time round.
Which is why we are voting for Sooty.