Some things we learned watching the ‘glittering’ National Movie Awards last night…

Twat!

While most awards shows scurry everyone through everything, starting the music up when they’re half-way through their acceptance speeches and warning them that this is a tight ship, goddammit, and they’d better hurry the fuck up when they come up to collect their gongs, the glorious ITV flipped things on their head at the National Movie Awards (we’ll be the judge of that) last night.

Every nominee had its whole trailer shown, every last body who came up on stage was allowed to do an acceptance speech even though, as in the case of Emily Watson, who kept saying, ‘There’s nothing left to say after that…’, they had nothing to add, while the tribute to Tom Cruise – a selection of his finest moments in movies – went on for at least twenty minutes.

But what have we learnt, those of an educational bent *giggles* bent? We have learned the following information.

1. Tom Cruise has never been in a good film. They showed clips of about a thousand, each and every one crapper than the last.

2. Tom Cruise has acted badly in all of those terrible movies. He can’t even run down the road convincingly.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow, despite the ‘be still my beating heart’ bollocks as she introduced the Cruise, still wore very high heels so as to tower over him.

4. Emily Watson, despite being the face of Burberry, has no dress sense.

5. There is another girl in the Harry Potter movies who kept going up who no one has ever heard of. We think it was a stalker and everyone was too embarrassed to mention it.

6. Kylie ‘I’ve never had cosmetic surgery’ Minogue has the charisma of a Rowntree’s Fruit Pastille, which would, of course, tower over her, intellectually as well as physically.

7. We apparently need to see lengthy L’Oreal-dominated ad breaks after each and every award. Sorry, ‘award’.

8. It’s the little people that matter. You OK with that, little people?

9. People really are sort of obsessed with that Twilight thing.

10. Streetdance 3D still makes us well up. And not just in the trouser department.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

More dolly #content:

13 comments to “Some things we learned watching the ‘glittering’ National Movie Awards last night…”

  1. Total crock of shite, wasn’t it? Typical ITV ‘awards’ fodder.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  2. It was just one long advertorial for the primordial dwarf Tom Cruise.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  3. It was like watching a two-hour series of trailers. So much so that is WAS watching a two-hour series of trailers. And that patronising ‘this means so much because it was voted for by you, the people’. Yeah, in each category the regular cinema goer, who probably goes four times a year, would have voted for the film they’d seen, not like a critic who would have seen and thought about all five. So, the National Movie Awards are basically a box office report.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  4. You say that Tom Cruise can’t act? How appropriate that Gwyneth gave the award. Two peas………
    (She also has bad frock/style sense!!)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  5. Christ. Would the fuckwit who writes this shit give it a rest. WE GET IT. YOU DON’T LIKE KYLIE. This weird obsession with dissing her at every opportunity is beyond tedious. And borderline obsessional. Just simmer down and have wank (over some tacky Madonna D&G ad probably).

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  6. Shut up, Tadzio. That comment’s on your level, right?
    ;-)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  7. Why are Kylie fans so defensive? Is it because Kylie is indefensible?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  8. I do think there’s a bit a knowing wink with the Kylie bashing… ;0)
    Also, Tadzio, there just so happens to be a piss-take of Madonna’s latest D&G ad right after this post. I’d hardly say they were wanking over it.
    But anyway, back to Tom Cruise. What an utter cock. His legacy is shouting, and really bad shouting at that. Oh, really bad shouting whilst running. They should put that on his gravestone. Oh, and vile closet gay who did fuck all for the cause.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  9. I used to love Kylie when she was shit and knew it. I went off her after she decided she was actually an artist.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  10. Err, Tadzio, why don’t you redirect your anger at Kylie where it belongs? And if it’s so tedious, stop coming here, when you know that it is basically the I Hate Kylie Fanclub. TM member since Neighbours.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  11. TM’s hot.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  12. I think Ex-Fan posits a very interesting theory. The gays, always on the side of the underdog, took Kylie into their protection when she was the laughing stock of the music industry. Now that all the credible big boys and Glastonbury-goers are falling over themselves to be near the talentless numpty, there is no more use for we gays. Our job is done. She knows it and we are a sad bunch of losers if we don’t know it.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  13. Tadzio, honey – you are a complete moron.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Leave a comment