While most awards shows scurry everyone through everything, starting the music up when they’re half-way through their acceptance speeches and warning them that this is a tight ship, goddammit, and they’d better hurry the fuck up when they come up to collect their gongs, the glorious ITV flipped things on their head at the National Movie Awards (we’ll be the judge of that) last night.
Every nominee had its whole trailer shown, every last body who came up on stage was allowed to do an acceptance speech even though, as in the case of Emily Watson, who kept saying, ‘There’s nothing left to say after that…’, they had nothing to add, while the tribute to Tom Cruise – a selection of his finest moments in movies – went on for at least twenty minutes.
But what have we learnt, those of an educational bent *giggles* bent? We have learned the following information.
1. Tom Cruise has never been in a good film. They showed clips of about a thousand, each and every one crapper than the last.
2. Tom Cruise has acted badly in all of those terrible movies. He can’t even run down the road convincingly.
3. Gwyneth Paltrow, despite the ‘be still my beating heart’ bollocks as she introduced the Cruise, still wore very high heels so as to tower over him.
4. Emily Watson, despite being the face of Burberry, has no dress sense.
5. There is another girl in the Harry Potter movies who kept going up who no one has ever heard of. We think it was a stalker and everyone was too embarrassed to mention it.
6. Kylie ‘I’ve never had cosmetic surgery’ Minogue has the charisma of a Rowntree’s Fruit Pastille, which would, of course, tower over her, intellectually as well as physically.
7. We apparently need to see lengthy L’Oreal-dominated ad breaks after each and every award. Sorry, ‘award’.
8. It’s the little people that matter. You OK with that, little people?
9. People really are sort of obsessed with that Twilight thing.
10. Streetdance 3D still makes us well up. And not just in the trouser department.