It is with heavy heart that we bring to you the news that SATC2: Sex NOT in the City (that was where it started to go wrong…) is… let’s just say not up to scratch seeing as we got free Sex and the City 2 bodybeads

Jeez louise

The cinema was packed with women in cheap shoes (hell, the men’s toilets were packed with women in cheap shoes) for the final unveiling of Are You Being Served… The Movie. Well, that’s what it felt like.

Expectations were so high that even the HBO logo got a cheer while the mere sight of Carrie walking out of her apartment block ruined the upholstery of a whole West End cinema. And then, just after we see Samantha in the 80s, shouting ‘Bite me!’ to a driver as she crosses the road in stretch leggings about two minutes in, it starts to go downhill.

Main quibbles are: 

1). Everyone in it looks truly awful. Even Samantha. Even Liza!

2). Everything takes way too long: when you’re being shown around their Abu Dabi suite you actually feel like you’ve seen so much you’re in a position to put in an offer, no surveyor’s report necessary.

3). The clothes are plain ridick. Have you ever seen any woman, let alone a notoriously conservative American woman, wear anything like the nonsense this lot put on to travel on a plane, go down the market and take a walk in the desert?

Don’t get us wrong, there are saving graces – Charlotte and Miranda’s chat about being mums reminded you what you used to like about Sex and the City, for instance. And Samantha’s Patsy-esque waving of condoms down the souk while she bucks her hips shouting, ‘Yes! Condoms! I have sex! Bite me!’ to a group of disapproving Arab gentlemen is a moment. And of course the close-ups of the Australian rugby team’s bulges in Speedos cheered up a dull couple of minutes.

But we would say for the next one: let’s just keep it in New York, let’s just get Carrie’s new apartment re-decorated, let’s see some shopping and fashion shows, let’s get some younger gays involved (Stanford really has become the Queen Mum), let’s drop the pretentious ‘Oh, you can only watch classic black and white movies on this TV or you must be stupid’ bollocks and let’s maybe get Michael Patrick King OFF of the case and get Susan Seidelman, the Desperately Seeking Susan director who did some of the really good early eps, back on.

*curtsies. Leaves in floor-length Balenciaga dress with train to go to Morrissons where there is a half-price offer on baps*

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