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Retro Madness

Calm down dear. It's only petroleum.

In our new series called Retro Madness – which we will update at least sporadically; sometimes even more sporadically than that – we will be revisiting moments from entertainments gone by in which the turn was an absolute fucking nutter.

Without Tyra Banks, none of this would have been possible.

This is Tranny Banks way back in *checks* back then, on her show which is *checks* utterly compelling bollocks, during which she reveals her *checks (blogs are hard)*, and we quote, ‘BIGGEST BEAUTY SECRET EV. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.’ Which she clearly hadn’t been using that day.

By her behaviour – the result of madness, believing the hype, mainlining Berocca and being American – you would be forgiven for thinking her ‘BIGGEST BEAUTY SECRET EV. ERRRRRRRRRRRR’ is the penicillium fungus. Or the cure for AIDS. Or the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or a new head.

It is in fact Vaseline.

At one point Tranny’s on the floor writhing around in a fashion that reminds us of the time a work colleague had an epileptic fit and none of us knew where to look.

Then there’s the reaction from the audience. To their credit a couple look rather uncomfortable – husbands at a Take That concert/gay with a ball flying at its face (ball, not balls)/us after our then lover accidentally overheard us telling a friend ‘he doesn’t really do it for us’, that sort of thing – but to their shame most are jumping and screaming a la the Tom Cruise School of Unreasonable Behaviour. Some of them even hug one another.

It is all thoroughly enjoyable, at a distance.

One can only imagine Tranny having an orgasm.


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Reasons why we like this new Prime Minister of Australia person.


1. She has a lesbian haircut.

2. She is a Welsh. And they can be nice. Look at Bonnie Tyler!

3. She looks like a cross between Miranda off-of Sex and the City and Tilda ‘Rice’ Swinton.

4. She likes to go to art galleries.

5. She doesn’t believe in God and refuses to go through ‘religious rituals for the sake of appearances.’

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Someone – we don’t know who but we’ll find out! – has done this map of the world

That's where we live!

Some bits we agree with. Europe = Art. Who could find anything controversial about that?

But Australia + Racists? For why? Surely Everywhere = Racists.

And Canada = Bad Music? While they have Celine Dion. And Joni Mitchell. And Leonard Cohen. And… OK, no one mention Avril Lavigne.

And some of them are surely a bit dated. Russia = Mail Order Brides? Still?

Greenland = Vikings! 

And most controversially, America = Freedom and Jesus. Where you find one (Jesus), you often find the other (that would be Freedom) has a tricky time of it. Especially if you are a gay and you want the freedom to marry (like most other places) or you are a gay soldier and you want the freedom to go about your business (like in most other places). 

It’s a pretty map, though. And we can say that because we are artists.

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Who is this geeky looking fella? Is it Ian Brady in an unseen shot? Is it Mika after a nose job on a bad hair day? Is it Sir Trevor McDonald trying to get down with the kids?

Don't fancy yours much, either.

None of the above, silly. It is in fact, in a shocking turn of events, Lady GaGa, off-of pop music, gay rights and funny shoes! Yes!

It’s aparentement for a Japanese magazine. ‘Cause they like things extra-crazy over there.

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That is so a hot look on you. Kylie gives us a peek at the portrait in the attic

Don't fancy yours much!

Yeah, we know it’s for a film (because she’s just as good an ‘actress’ as she is a ‘singer’ as anyone who has seen Universal Soldier 2, her big Hollywood break, can testify), so the tats aren’t real and the hair is on purpose. But the belly ain’t prosthetic, honey, and we’re pretty sure the spot isn’t either.

Nasty girl! Please stay indoors more often.

Oh, b, t and w… has anyone heard the new album out on Monday? The voice has been through more machinery than *tries to think of something that’s been through a lot of machinery. Can’t come up with any ideas that would top the amount of machinery her voice has been through*… she sounds like a hairdryer.

Repellent. Rep-el-ente, we say.

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Oprah’s on top


There is a direct correlation between Oprah’s hair and her wealth. She is also fat.Oprah Winfrey, who is fat, is officially the most powerful famous of the famouses. So says Forbes, so say all of us (we actually don’t. If we refuse to watch Oprah, she ain’t got diddly fuck power over us) and so says someone else whose face is pixelated. (It’s Oprah. Eating a Chunky KitKat.)

To make any joke about Oprah ‘Fat’ Winfrey’s weight at this point would be churlish. Just, churlish.

The Forbes Celebrity Power 100 is a measurement of entertainment-related earnings over the past 12 months, as well as visibility in print, TV, radio and online, and weight.

And Oprah’s come out all toppy. She is officially an aggressive top. She even has the t-shirt to prove it, in XXXL.

We like a list. We often find ourselves on them.

Other famouses of note on the list include Bouncy Beyoncé, who spookily also has silky-shiny hair, and who comes in at No. 2 with earnings of approximately $7billion for the tax year ending April 2010.


Simon Cowell, who peddles utter shit for a living (not you Leona honey. Not you), ranks No. 11. He earnt $80million last year, which must come in handy down the hair salon.

Robert Pattinson off-of more vampire nonsense makes his debut (bet he does) at No. 50, with earnings of $17million.

(This is riveting…)

Kate Moss? 91, $9million.

Danielle Radcliffe? 82, $25million

David Beckham? 36, $44million.

The Little Baby Jesus? Fiddled the books and was disqualified.

This is the Top Ten, pop-pickers… *theme to Top of the Pops plays on a bugle* (more…)

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Not only is she looking scarily like Javine, Nairobi Campbell is also losing something. And it’s not her mind this time!

It's a look. But not one we like.

Dirty fur-wearing bully Naomi Campbell is losing her hair! You’d have to have a heart of stone not to find that hilarious!

This shot, taken while she was doing another shot in glittering London’s famous Meatpacking District, while simultaneously wearing a full-length fur coat (we didn’t realise she could do two things at once! Kudos!) shows that under some Eastern European’s hair, she actually has none of her own.

Could it be the stress of having been given a blood diamond (she couldn’t give a flying rat’s arse)? Could it be that she has torn it out in sheer frustration that her assistant wouldn’t hold still while she beat seven shades of the shady stuff out of her with a mobile phone? Or could it just be that the evil inside is pushing the hair out?

Whatever it is, she looks a fricking wreck. Sort yourself out, woman. Well, we’re assuming you’re a woman.

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So, not only are England humiliated at the hands of the Germans (mmm, ‘humiliated’, ‘Germans’ ‘hands’), they now face the indignity of having their panties purloined!

Does my cock look big in these?

And it wasn’t us! We promise. We have alibis and everything. And if anyone finds any of our DNA, well, we have a twin who went missing some years ago in Africa and it was probably him.

We think it was the maids who were cleaning their rooms. But if they should turn up on eBay, there’s nothing wrong with putting in a little bid, is there? Especially if they are all mis-shapen up the front from having John Terry’s bulge twisting ’em all out of kilter.

But while we are on the subject of England’s disgrace and how the United Kingdom now has to rethink its entire attitude towards competitive sports in school… we Brits *stands up, salutes the Union Jack, bobs curtsey to picture of Queen, rattles through several verses of the national anthem* are actually quite good at the old running and jumping in tight clothing, you know. It’s not all about football.

Football is the least of the sports. All about money and spit-roasting and going out with (and marrying!) tarts. We came fourth at the Olympics – after USA, China and Russia – and that’s proper sports, ‘getting up early to break the ice before you can get your canoe in’ sports. With no money for it unless you can wangle a sponsorship from Everyman vitamins or something.

So, never mind a little bit of rubbish at soccer. We just beat the Aussies at cricket and Andy Murray is in the quarter finals at Wimbledon. Which we hope he loses.

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