Now Ricky Martin has come out, there’ll be no stopping him. We predict poppers and butt-plugs by tea-time.


Look at that gay old Ricky Martin having a gay old time with his long-time crush, Sting. (Oh, and we know what we’re talking about here: one time we were interviewing Ricky, back in the gay old straight days, when we got onto the subject of Sting, he couldn’t shut up… We didn’t think a thing of it. Turns out, we’d got our gaydar turned off in our bags. Devil!)

It seems that coming out suits young senor Martin. It means he can throw caution to the wind, his pants into the crowd, his legs in the air and his dignity to hell. Comedy Priscilla-style wigs, as anyone who’s been gay will tell you, is the thin edge of a very corky wedge.

Because there are seven stages of coming out.

First, acceptance.

Second, relief.

Third, investment in some nice statues of Greek torsos and some tasteful black and white pictures by someone like Herbie Ritts.

Fourth, excitement at the realisation that you can now let the bumming commence without fear of being caught (you might get caught, but you won’t fear it: you’ll invite it in, get it to take off its panties and let it join in).

Fifth, fashion experimentation (see Ricky’s picture from his Twitter account above). This can be a difficult and ugly stage from which some newly formed gays don’t move on. In some it can lead to tattooing, piercing, even *shakes head in sorrowful way* asymetrical hairstyles of a ‘northern’ variety.

Sixth, boredom. This is when a lot of gays go on about being ‘over’ the whole gay thing. It generally means they aren’t getting bummed enough. Or are being badly bummed. It might just be that they’ve had Kylie up to here (‘here’ being so high you would have to stand on a box to get up there).

Seventh, heaven. You’ve read The Velvet Rage, you’ve toned down the fashions, you may have a boyfriend on the go, maybe even a nice one who allows you to bum other people on the side. Your house may have too much white in it, but you’ve got rid of the Marilyn/Lady GaGa pictures, even if they were in nice (white) frames. Your clothes are no longer too tight. You have the music in you and a bottle of poppers in the fridge for special occasions.

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4 comments to “Now Ricky Martin has come out, there’ll be no stopping him. We predict poppers and butt-plugs by tea-time.”

  1. I wont believe he’s a true member of the club until a man who he picked up at a club is found dead in his swimming pool after a night on the nose bag.

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  2. I salute your high standards, Tequila.

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  3. Anyone who fancies Sting has got to be extremely screwed up sexuality -wise.

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  4. Stings looking a bit Deirdre Barlow.

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