‘God loves gays!’ shouts Kelly Osbourne to anti-gay protesters at Gay Pride. Unfortch, Kel, the feeling ain’t mutual. And God just needs to get the fuck over it and move on

Ladies with a platitude

You’ve got to love an Osbourne. Not the crunch biscuit but the probably-not-that dysfunctional family we have grown to love (there are seven stages: denial, more denial, disgust, contempt, grudging admiration, a sort of liking and then abandonment to the Osbourne charisma. We’ve met Shaz, Kelly and Jack, all of whom could charm the undergarments off a nun. If nuns still wore undergarments that is).

Anyways and hoos, back to the story (con’entrate!): let us paint a picture, set a scene, create a mood, make a cup of tea. ‘Twas Gay Pride in Los Angeles. Boys were in tight pants with bands around the bases of their cocks to make them stick out even further. Girls were in leather on motorbikes. Fun was being had, cocktails drunk, bottoms pinched, Lady GaGa records played…

And then Grand Marshalls (a job that doesn’t actually pay that well) Kelly and Sharon off-of Osbourne come cheek by jowl (they have both) against some Christians. Dirty ones. Shouting anti-gay profanities and everything they were.

Sharon, in pure Sharon style, told them to shove it up their arses or she’d come down there off her float and give them a sharp kick up the cunt (we’re paraphrasing), while Kelly used her megaphone to shout ‘My God loves gays!’ The crowd joined in with a rousing chorus of ‘God loves gays’. Christians went home to beat themselves on the back and shoulders with barbed wire while they waited for a kettle to boil.

Love the sentiment, Kels, and it’s good to fight fire with fire (though water is usually best as a first resort) but God… no.

Compare and contrast this scene if you will: Tel Aviv, which last time we checked was in the Middle East, of all places. Gay Pride on Friday (there’s that sabbath thing they never quite got right in Israel), sponsored by the city, kicking off from the lavish city-sponsored LGBT Centre, everyone out, mums dancing with babies, people in skullcaps going about their business shaking their heads indulgently at the men in Speedos and drag queens as if to say – ‘You kids!’

‘It’s love day!’ said our very old but very excited taxi driver. Honey, you don’t know the half of it! *pats hair in style of Mae West and draws a veil over the whole event while running down a hotel corridor in just a shortie mac with a mini-suitcase like Madonna at the end of the Justify My Love video*

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