So, you may never hear the end of how ITV hasn’t got any money, how you need to keep phoning in to Britain’s Got Talent just to keep the shit, sorry, ship, afloat (bomb the bloody ship, say we) and how ITV execs are having to phone out for 2-for-1 pizzas just to keep body and soul together. And then you hear that, with Her Majesty’s BBC having got fed up with simpering div Christine Bleakley’s dithering about whether to take their £900,000 or not, ITV step in to offer her a three-year, four-million-pound deal to rejoin the Pilsbury Doughboy, Adrian Chiles.
Some tips for the ITV negotiating team.
1). If someone has just dumped her from a £900,000 deal, you don’t really need to pay her £4m. £800,000 would have done it, probably a lot less.
2). Nobody actually likes her.
3). If this is to join him on the GMTV couch, no one watches it anymore anyway.
4). Nobody actually likes him.
5). Nobody can actually understand her.
6). You can’t afford it.
7). It makes viewers think you are even more useless than you patently are.