So, it turns out that Jesus didn’t die on a cross. We need to get some branding experts in here pretty damn sharp!

Sorry, love, you'll have to come down

Sorry, Jesus love, you’re going to have to come down from there. It turns out that you didn’t die on a cross after all. That’s back to the drawing board with centuries worth of imagery, isn’t it?

What it is is… some scholar called Gunnar Samuelsson (which is apparently a name) has posited that the myth of the crucifixion is not actually based on anything in ancient texts, which tend, in fact, to point towards Jesus being given a lethal injection. Not really, that would be silly. Just as silly as him dying on the cross in fact *fiddles with golden crucifix about neck. Rips it off in disgust at being tricked into buying it*

‘If you are looking for texts that depict the act of nailing persons to a cross you will not find any beside the Gospels,’ says Mr. S, a staunch Christiano himself, therefore hardly to be trusted on matters related to the truth.

Apparently, the contemporary ancient texts (the Gospels were made up years later; think of it as like you writing an eye-witness account of something that went on around the time of Marie Antoinette) refer to Jesus being attached to an ‘execution device’ not a cross. 

We’re thinking maybe an electric chair or a guillotine. What do you think about either of those in miniature versions around your neck in gold? Or hanging over the altar in your local church so you can bob a curtsey as you go by? Hey, it could work.

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One comment to “So, it turns out that Jesus didn’t die on a cross. We need to get some branding experts in here pretty damn sharp!”

  1. He was strapped to a TV? Get out.

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