If we were a boy, we think we’d quite like Zara Phillips to be our girlfriend. She seems a whole load of fun and has great Lovely Lindas. She’s into sport and is, like, one the best horsey people in the world, which means she’d be able to pick up a Twiglet with her thighs. Her grandmother is Her Maj, who not only if she sees a piece of litter whilst on her travels picks it up and pops it in her handbag (‘Keep Britain Tidy’!) – though we can’t vouch for dog’s business – but means we’d never want for anything. Except maybe a little bit of fucking privacy, Jeesh. It also means we’d get a driver. We’ve always wanted a driver, and we don’t mean Addison Lee. Zara also has silky-shiny hair, and it’s not thin like Emma Baby Bunting Bunton’s. And whilst making love, we could fantasize about her brother, Peter. She would probably be okay if we even held a picture of him pre-, during and after just for a little bit.
Though we wouldn’t put up with that ‘no royal title’ nonsense. We would like to be a Duke, failing that a Baron, failing that a Lady. And if we have to wear a white satin glove, so be it.