Tom Cruise is doing a reality show with Katie Holmes to prove he’s not a cock. Or a gay. Or the world’s oldest middle-aged girl. Or a control-freak. Or a freak. Or a religious nutter. Or a crappy actor. Or has a mouth too big for his face. Or has had a humour lobotomy. And if he gets the hump about any of this, it just proves all of the above.

Yeah!

Thomas Thumb Cruise, a gentleman who what he lacks in height he makes up for in teeth, is apparently in talks to release his very own reality show.

It’s thought by mice undergoing horrific scientific tests somewhere in Cambridge that he is a little miffed that people have opinions about him that he cannot control. Like, for example, he’s a control freak and Katie Holmes is a beard. These are not allegations, incidentally. We’re just throwing some of our favourite words about. Like ‘cock’ and ‘ass’ and ‘mellifluous’ and ‘big gay’.

So much so, he’s thinking about an Osbournes-style-ee fly-on-the-wall-ee reality show following-ee him and Katie and that child of theirs around, to prove that they are normal and he doesn’t control her. But before he does so, he’s insisting on full control.

‘They want to portray themselves as a normal family who do normal things. They are aware that Katie is being perceived as “brainwashed” and they want to change that,’ someone told Grazia magazine. So naturally it’s probably all bollocks. 

‘His interest began when he made spoof films with Cameron to promote Knight and Day. He’s been filming Kate and other aspects of their life for the past month.’

Creepy, much?

‘The original impetus was that he would select a few personal clips to show fans, but word has got out through his agents (CAA) and he is currently fielding offers from entertainment companies. Tom is now deliberating what to do with his footage. No deal has been struck yet.’

And then this bizarre quote.

‘Tom places a premium on control, so he’s reluctant to commit to doing a reality TV show unless he’s 100% it will reflect him and Katie in the best possible light.’

So it’ll all be made-up bollocks, then.

*sees drawing board; walks back to it*

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3 comments to “Tom Cruise is doing a reality show with Katie Holmes to prove he’s not a cock. Or a gay. Or the world’s oldest middle-aged girl. Or a control-freak. Or a freak. Or a religious nutter. Or a crappy actor. Or has a mouth too big for his face. Or has had a humour lobotomy. And if he gets the hump about any of this, it just proves all of the above.”

  1. Can hardly wait. Or was that ‘can hardly keep my eyes open’? One of the two.

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  2. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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  3. The guy’s going on TopGear. Can you imagine the shouting?

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